Unexpected Pain

Have you ever felt like your emotions betrayed you?  That happened to me tonight. I was in a chat room with some other authors, happily chatting about the Golden Globes, when the emotional gates unleashed. What was the trigger? Taxes, the word taxes.

It triggered a load of grief about my Dad's death, a load I didn't even know was there.

In about 30 seconds flat I went from a smile to my face to tears puddling, mascara smeared, 'quick grab a tissue' mess. My husband came around the corner and stopped short at the sight. "What in the world happened?" he asked.

I had a lump in my throat and I couldn't even answer. I just shook my head, accepted his hug, and went back to furiously typing to the anonymous people at the other end of the keyboard.  I was half ashamed, half relieved to be sharing the emotions. The relief came as they all began to share their experiences with pain. I wasn't alone.

Feeling alone is one of the worst feelings. It's a relief to know that other people understand and care. I don't know if my emotions let lose because I felt there was a safety in sharing with people I really don't know, or if it was just that I had the pain stopped up for so long it was ready to burst.

If anyone who is reading this feels alone right now, for one reason or another, I want you to know I care. I really do.  You can message me, and I'll listen. You aren't alone. People can relate to your pain. Whether it's old pain, deep pain, or a recent pain from a fight with a spouse or friend, people can relate.  I promise that no matter what is going on in your life, someone out there can relate. You aren't alone.

And if you are feeling like it's too private or no one will understand, I promise there is one who does. God gets you, he understands what makes you tick, and why you think and feel the way you do. You don't have to explain it all to him. You can just go and tell him you don't know how to fix the pain. He might send you to a group of anonymous people like he did me, just to remind me that we aren't so different from one another after all.

(((((((((((((((big hug for anyone who might need one))))))))))))))))))))

Grab those negative thoughts

I love it when God talks to me. I've been struggling with some doldrums for a while, and slowly he's been pulling me out. Yesterday he pointed out some habits I have about the way I think about myself. It's amazing how sneaky critical thinking speaks to me. But I'm so used to it I never question the negative thoughts.  I'm going to try and give examples, because I don't have it all the way figured out yet.

In an attempt to get myself out of the doldrums I've decided to exercise. Anyone who knows me knows I Hate to exercise.  I'd hardly finished the section on the exercise DVD when I started to criticize myself.... "That wasn't so hard. Why don't you do it more often?" It doesn't sound like much, but that thought alone immediately made me feel like I'd failed.

God highlighted that thought process for me, with another thought, "You don't have to accept this. You didn't do anything wrong. You can be pleased with what you did." Okay, he didn't say it to me in that many words, it was more of a lighting fast impression. But in that second, He got to the root of the problem quicker than I could figure out, and gave me a tool to deal with it.

So today I've been trying to be more cognizant of the thoughts I think after I accomplish something. Usually the thought admonishes me. I tell it, "No, I did fine." I know this must sound silly, it kind of does to me just typing it out. But, by writing it on this blog I'm reminding myself to keep fighting the fight against condemnation.

Here ends today's post. Remember, God made you YOU for a reason. You are good enough, even on your bad days. (((((((((Big hug in case you need one today :) ))))))))))))))))))))

Your Worth the Time to Smell the Roses

Merry Day After Christmas! :) Does your house look like mine? Torn bits of garbage left over from the paper blizzard/food fest.  I didn't jump right into cleaning it this morning. Instead, I sat in my comfy chair and listened to the radio. It's really come to my attention how busy I am.... not busy in a good way, but busy in the way that I'm always thinking, doing, trying to figure out things. My mind is never still. Even when I pray my mind is thinking about this or that.

Yesterday when I tried this, a Christmas carol came on the radio, one of those old fashioned ones. It reminded me of being a little girl listening to an old song as a child and being enchanted.  It was easy for me to 'stop and smell the roses' back then. Even during the hard times.

I let the old deep baritones wash over me, and relaxed deeper into the chair.  I felt like God was with me, and this was a different type of prayer. Just spending time with him, enjoying the gifts he's given.

Today was still as struggle to sit and be quiet. I had to make myself sit in the chair, and tell myself over and over to JUST STOP.

And I started to hear the words of the song. It's weird, I've heard the words a million times, but never actually listened to them, if that makes sense.  The song is by Brandon Heath, and I'll post the lyrics below if you want to read them.

They spoke to me. In the midst of the busyness of my mind is still the undercurrent of "Do better, be better. What am I missing?"

Here's the lyrics:
I felt it first when I was younger

A strange connection to the light

I tried to satisfy the hunger

I never got it right

I never got it right

So I climbed a mountain and built an altar

Looked out as far as I could see

And everyday I'm getting older

I'm running outta dreams

I'm running outta dreams


But your love

Your love

The only the thing that matters is your love

Your love is all I have to give

Your love is enough to light up the darkness

It's your love

Your love

All I ever needed is your love


You know the effort I have given

And you know exactly what it cost

And though my innocence was taken

Not everything is lost

Not everything is lost no


You're the hope in the morning

You're the light when the night is falling

You're the song when my heart is singing

It's your love

You're the eyes to the blind man

You're the feet to the lame man walking

You're the sound of the people singing

It's your love.

Some thoughts about Christmas

Wow, isn't it incredible? I mean something to God. He knows who I am, this tiny speck of a person, who lives on a tiny blue speck spinning in blackness. He knows my thoughts and fears, talents, hopes and dreams, and he cares.

I talk to him a lot at  night. It's in the darkness that I feel the smallest and my anxieties and questions the loudest. What I love about him is that I can come with every question and thought and he accepts me.  That's a big thing to realize, I don't have to be fake for him to love me.

Somehow, in the midst of every fear I've struggled with, he has brought peace.

When I look up at the stars the vastness of the universe overwhelms me; seriously. My husband can look at them for hours and feel inspired. They make me feel small.  But it was with a star that God highlighted the message brought by the angel,"Do not be afraid; for behold, I bring you good news of great joy which will be for all the people; for today in the city of David there has been born for you a Savior, who is Christ the Lord.…"

Don't you love how God always reminds us of that? "Don't be afraid. I've come to take away your fears, and replace them with my perfect love." He knows us, gets that we worry and have fears. He knows that fear robs our peace, and wants to remind us He cares about us.

Today I read a beautiful thought;

Know that you were formed by God's hands, dreamed in his heart and place in this world for a purpose.

Hope you all have a good weekend as we move closer to celebrating the day that he came to take away our fear, and show us his love.

Old/New Post

Can I cheat a little bit? I wrote a post at the beginning of the year that's close to my heart, and I wanted to share it again. Especially with the end of the year approaching, and New Year's resolutions staring us in the face.

Sometimes, do you ever feel like you are circling around and around the same mountain? Like you think you were making progress, only to be dragged back into it again? “hey, been here done that…”

One thing I’ve discovered is that nearly everyone goes through this. You most certainly aren’t alone.  

I have felt that way more times then I can tell you.  I will battle something down, and revel in that small thrill of victory… and then bam! It comes flying back into my lap for me to deal with again. I felt like a failure, and wonder why can’t I get passed this (over-come it, deal with it whatever the situation is.)

Certain “mountains” seem more condemning than others if I feel like I don’t have success with it. It used to bother me before that I was still dealing with issues from my childhood memories.  I grew up with being told that what’s happened is done, pick yourself up and brush yourself off. Pull yourself up by your bootstraps.  You can’t blame everything on your parents.

All those things are true, and yet they aren’t absolute.  I can’t blame everything on my parents. I have my own free will now. I don’t want to live a life as a victim.

I also am not a book; turn the page and the story moves on.  Sometimes what feels like going around the mountain is really just dealing with the same situation at a different level.

That sounds so simple, doesn’t it? But it’s easier to say “What’s wrong with me that I can’t get passed this?” then to take a minute and say, “Wow, I am recognizing things a little differently here.  I have made steps, even if they seem small compared to the emotions I’m facing right now.”

Whenever I face my mountain again, it’s my time to trot out what I have learned. It’s my time to speak the truth to the mountain, despite what my emotions are feeling. The things I speak are-

1)    God got me this far, he’s going to get me the rest of the way.

2)    Despite how I feel, I am deeply loved, even if the only one I can count is God- He’s not angry with me. He will never leave me.

3)    I have not failed, I am still learning.

4)    This moment will pass.

5)There will be beauty from ashes from this situation.

 Maybe you are facing a mountain today, or feel like you’ve gone around it before.  Hang in there.  You are making progress, even if you don’t see it. It will get better. I am a firm believer that we get to encourage others from the strength and encouragement we gain as we face our mountains.  Even if you feel weak now, one day you will be encouraging someone else!

Sale!

Hi Everyone! Just a quick note today to say that Lost No More, the sequel to Ghost No More (my own personal story), is on sale for .99 on Amazon for the next few days! Thank you so much for your support. I respond to every note and email and I appreciate them so much. You all encourage me as much as I'd hope to encourage you! :)

Have a great day. Weekend is almost here!
Here's some links if you want to check them out. Thank you again!

http://www.amazon.com/Lost-No-More-Ghost-Book-ebook/dp/B00MDLKWGQ/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1417680431&sr=8-2&keywords=ghost+no+more


http://www.amazon.com/Ghost-No-More-Series-Book-ebook/dp/B00IJ0AKRQ/ref=pd_sim_kstore_1?ie=UTF8&refRID=02NWG6Z29TC48S1D92PP

Sharing my heart.....

Hi everybody! I had an amazing weekend so far. I had a wonderful opportunity to speak at a women's event today. This message is so important to me, I wanted to share it with you all too.

It’s just some simple truths.   Truth is precious and often we disregard it about ourselves.

 I want to tell you that you are valuable

This burns in my heart so strongly. I feel like I’m saying this personally to each one of you.

You are valuable.

You are needed.

You are important, and vital.

You may have heard opposite in your life.

From parents, the media, from your family, or peers

You aren’t the negative things that anyone has ever said about you.

We don’t realize sometimes how those negative words are spinning around in the background of our mind.

Influencing how we think about ourselves.

There was a time I thought I had ugly hair, because someone once told me that.

Every time I'd look in the mirror I'd feel like, "Meh..."

My husband thought for a long time that he couldn’t read well because his teacher told him  once when he was little.

that wasn’t true.

You are valuable.

You may have even told yourself the opposite.

Maybe even today.

You may walk around doubting yourself, wondering things like

“Why’d I say that? Why’d I do that? How come I’m not like everyone else?

How come they have it together, and I don’t”

Maybe never feeling good enough.

But this is the truth.

You are valuable.

We need you,

this world needs you.

You, just as you are.

You may be searching for that special  gift that you bring,

Wondering, what is it? What do I have that makes me different from everyone else?

Because you don’t see it in yourself.

But we see it.

Its you being you.

You don’t have to work at being good enough,

You don’t have to work at getting it right to be needed.

You get to be just who you are.

Because the way you are made automatically blesses the people around you

You are put together uniquely in such a way,

That You being You is what makes you the most happy

and brings the most to the people around you.

You’re a piece of the puzzle

That we need for the picture.

We all know what it’s like to put together a puzzle

And right in the center there’s that one missing piece.

No other piece is going to fit in that spot.

And the picture isn't finished without it.

Each piece is uniquely made

Just as we are,

So that we can fit together.

Yes, you might fall down

You might only see your failures, and  the ways you could do it better

You might feel like you’re trying as hard as you can to get it right

To be a good person

You might feel like you are going around and around the mountain trying to overcome the

stumbling block, or whatever it is that you are battling your life

And you might feel like you aren’t making progress.

I just want you to know I care.

I get it.

I've been there!

And remind you this life isn’t about arriving, it’s about the journey

Even though you can’t see it, you are making progress,

You will make it.

Going up the side of a mountain is about switchbacks,

Not going straight up.

God is with you, he hears you. He knows you.

He values you.

He’s glad you are here, and that he made you.

He’s glad you’re YOU.

He doesn’t want it any other way.

You haven’t failed him.

He understands we are made of dust.

He gets it

Gets us

He understands our fears

He knows what makes you tick, and why you think the way you do.

He has a plan to rescue us and bring beauty from the very ashes we see around us today.

You are beautiful, right now.

You aren’t the words you say to yourself

You are wanted, and desired.

Pleasing

You make God happy

And where you see failure and lack

Where you see you’re not good enough

He sees you full of promise, and a little girl with a tender heart.

He loves you

He adores you

He’s so glad you are here.

And every time you reach for his hand, every time

You make him smile.

He will never let go of your hand

Never

Not because He is God and he has to be there for you,

But because he doesn’t want to let go

Doesn’t want to let go of his precious girl

He will never lose you, never forsake you, always fight for you,

He will stand with you with every battle you are in

and face it with you.

You will never be alone.

He will rejoice over your with triumph.

And wrap you in his love.

This is what God says about his children

Song of Solomon 4:7   You are altogether beautiful, my love; there is no flaw in you.

And for the part of us that wants to point out our flaws, there’s this scripture

Hebrews 10: 14 For by one sacrifice he has made perfect forever those who are being made holy.

Your flaws don’t scare God.

There is a banner you wear above you every day.

Loved,

Wanted,

Beautiful

Valuable

Perfect forever

Being made Holy

It’s not a feeling

It’s a truth.

It’s time that we remind ourselves of the truth Whether we feel it’s true or not.

Truth isn’t a feeling.

2+2=4 doesn’t make me happy

Or sad.

Truth isn’t an emotion.

It’s just truth.

Hang on to the truth

Hang on to the banner over your head.

Hang on to God’s hand.

Be kind to yourself in your thoughts.

Watch for the negative things you might say,

And remind yourself what God says about you.

Remember

You are valuable.

Just the way you are made.