Miracles and Memories

So back in June I had an incredible experience, and it's caused a rollercoaster of a ride this summer. If you follow me on Facebook, you've probably already seen these, but rather than write them out I'm going to copy them here----

JUNE--Today. I went into a tattoo parlor for my tattoo I’ve been wanting forever to cover up scars from hurting myself as a teenager. A compass, but instead of North- South, I have my kids initials.

The tattoo artist opened her shop early just for me. We chatted as she drew out the design. After a moment, she grew silent before blurting out, 'You know, you remind me of someone I used to know.'

I looked at her carefully. Two of us from such different worlds. 'Where did you know her from?' I asked.
She took in a deep breath. 'From a hospital.' She said.

I felt a tingle down my spine… the one that tells you something big is about to happen. 'What hospital?' I asked.

She named the one that takes suicidal teens. My mouth dropped open. 'I was there too.'

She screamed, 'I knew it!' And grabbed me in the biggest bear hug ever.

Yes. She was there. When I was a teen. When the scars on my arm were fresh and covered in gauze. And now, she was the one to put the tattoo over them that says “Sozo”— healed, whole.

I look at it now… My arm, a place that once represented hopelessness now represents love… More beauty from ashes than I could have ever dreamed.

AUGUST---What's on my mind.... hmmmm. First-- I'm sharing from the heart, so the words might not come out right. Second, this might be a trigger to some. Many of you know that I had a tattoo done in June. It was to cover scars from a suicide attempt as a teenager. Not really cover up, but to make a new memory, if that makes sense. 

So, if you followed the story, by some weird coincidence, the tattoo artist remembered me. She was with me in the hospital all those years ago when my scars were fresh, from her own suicide attempt.

It was an incredible, serendipity moment. It should end there, right?

No. 

After the tattoo, I fell into a horrible panic/survival guilt dark period. Because when I was in the hospital, my best friend killed herself. 

I have to pause after I type those words because it still hurts so badly, and I can barely see the screen. She wanted to do it with me.... but I was in such a dark place at the time I didn't understand what she was asking in the card she gave me before my attempt.

The survivor's guilt was, and in some ways, still so hard. So hard. I couldn't save her, my precious friend who'd saved me more than once. I wasn't even able to go to her funeral because I was in the hospital. 

So, today my husband had his appointment for his tattoo. I knew I was going to see the same artist again. 

I dreaded it. Dreaded the memories once again. That sounds so terrible, I know.

It went well. The artist asked for my number so we could meet for coffee and talk. I might be a bit scared to meet her, but I will do it. 

Suicide and depression are hard subjects. What my friend did has had an effect on me All These Years later. A part of my heart will always hurt. A permanent consequence to a temporary problem. And it could have just as easily been her writing this post, if I had been the one not found instead of her. 

If you ever, ever, EVER feel like you are in that dark place, and no one is there....I'm here. I'm not a licensed professional, all I can do is listen. And Care. You aren't alone, and there is light at the end of every tunnel. Your life is important and has a reach so much more than you Can Ever realize. 

((((((((((((((Big hug to anyone who needs it)))))))))))))))))))

Suicide prevention hotline-  1-800-273-TALK (8255) 

Recently, I had an opportunity to speak at MOPS

Recently I had the opportunity to speak at a MOPS program. Now, just for the record, although I'm a public speaker, I'm not a teacher. I just speak on my own life experiences. This is my joy; to share my story with others about what God has done for me. 

It was an amazing experience. Looking out at all those beautiful moms with their babies and foster children, well it didn't feel like it had been all that long ago that I was in their place. Does anyone else think raising kids is the fastest slowest thing that can happen to a person? :) 

Being a parent of young kids is a strange phase in life. I was hardly away from my own past hardships when I was raising babies of my own. It can be very weird to reconcile a painful childhood with raising your own children. My experiences made me determined to teach my kids how much I loved them and how valuable they are. 

But, despite my best effort, I was constantly being hit with guilt, almost like a background “voice” that accused me of things I was failing at. It constantly pointed out how I could have done things better. 

It wasn't until years later that I recognized the "voice" was the same disappointed one of my moms. I don't say that as a slight against her, but to show that those feelings of failure and "not measuring up" are often not from ourselves, but "ghosts" from accusations in our past. 

I remember one particularly difficult day, when the kids were grumpy and fighting, and the house was a disaster. My hair was in a sloppy bun on the top of my head and I still wore the t-shirt from the day before. My husband was on his way home and I was trying to fix dinner as I tripped over toys and the dog. Two kids pushed past me squabbling over something. Another child screamed my name over and over in frustration over a broken toy, and the fourth upended a box of Costco size cheerios all over the floor. 

I felt like I was drowning in chaos. I ran to my room nearly in tears and started to pray. What came out of my mouth was, "I can't do this. I can't get it together. I'm going to ruin these kids." I was so overwhelmed. 

After a minute, I felt like I heard God tell me that my job wasn't to be my kid's perfect parent. Because if I was, why would they need Him? But my job as a parent was to show them unconditional love, and they learned to show it back as they loved me. My job was also to teach forgiveness as we all forgave each other. This thought birthed our family motto--We aren’t the perfect family, we are the forgiving one. And it gave me my first taste of freedom that my job wasn't to be the perfect mom, even though I continued to give it my best effort. 

It was soon after that I began using the "Mad bed" which is a ridiculous name but one the kids understood well. If they felt mad, guilty, or frustrated they could ask to talk with me on the mad bed. This was my bed. As we walked into my room it gave me a few moments to get myself into gear to just listen to what they had to say. The kids knew they could share what they wanted without me responding. I'd just listen. The cool thing about this was even if the child was really frustrated, being able to have that space and security to be heard was enough for them to begin to sort out whatever it was they were struggling with. 

It wasn't always easy for me to stay quiet, but it helped as I saw the fruit of that in their lives. 

The Mad Bed was good for me, too. I realized I had that same freedom with God. To just share whatever was on my heart and not worry about angering Him. That He cared and wanted to hear what I was feeling and just wanted me to be Me, real and transparent with Him. 

This was a new thing for me since I didn't experience that kind of unconditional love growing up. It was a safety that took some time to grow in. 

Through raising kids, and my own heart as a parent, I saw how God cares about us so much. God gets that raising kids is a challenging time. He sees all of our worries and fears, and ways we feel like we fail. He sees our places we are starting to feel weary. He’s not disappointed in us when we struggle. 

Maybe someone needs to hear it today— It’s going to be okay. He loves you. You are good enough. God has a plan, He’s going to get you through this. He gets how hard it is, and will help you to continue. He loves you as a parent. He loves your children. He will never lose you, never not listen, never tire of you, never forsake you, always fight for you. 

He stands with you in every battle you are in. He will never let go of your hand. Even when life looks messy, when life looks the opposite of what you expected, God will bring beauty from those ashes. 

He's brought beauty from mine. I don't have all the answers and I definitely don't have it all together. But I have this-- I know what Love is, and it's because of Him. So for the rest of my life, I will point to that love. 

((((((((((Big hug to anyone who needs it)))))))))))))) 

CeeCee

Click for Free Preview of Ghost No More

New Blog-Talk Radio Interview! :)

A new day-a new chance. Trying to live each day as authentically as I can. Life brings us through so many phases. I used to feel like I wore multiple hats--Mom hat, wife hat, friend hat-- all of these were who I was, but I slid in an out of different characteristics of them depending on who I was with. When I had four screaming kids around me, Mom hat was firmly in place. So much so, that when I'd get together with my friends and all our kids, I struggled because I still wore Mom hat.  I so loved my time out with my friends without kids. That's when I really recharged. Can anyone relate to that?

And as the kids grow, I see another hat returning. One that is more "me," less about a job. Sort of like an old friend.  I'm delving into new areas with conviction. What do I really believe? What really interests me? What are my fears, and are they really founded?

One thing that is consistently important to me is God, my family, and wanting to reach other people who are needing some encouragement. I love reminding people that they are amazing, valuable, talented, and way stronger then they realize.

So it's kind of cool in this season of life to get an opportunity to do that. I was on another blog radio talk show- the Parker J Cole show- .

In other news, I published the sequel in my fiction series, Out of the Wreckage. This series has been awesome for me to write.... I finally get to explore other people resolving painful pasts and moving forward.

Just another rambling post- my diary on line I suppose. :)  Have a great day. ((((((big hug to anyone who needs one)))))))

Hard night tonight

So today I've come to vent. Do you ever feel like you need to vent, and don't know where to turn to? That's sort of where I'm at tonight.

I'm not a young woman. I'm in my 40's, and you'd think I'd have my stuff together. I've been able to raise (and raising) a beautiful family. I have amazing kids, awesome husband. I've seen what a healthy family looks like.

Ye, there's a part of me that's grieving. For some reason this part never really reared it's head while my kids were young.  It's just been recently.

A weird loneliness and sadness over a lack of parents.

There are people my age who've lost their parents. My own dad passed a few years back.

But this is different. It's almost a grief about being cheated. I'm not trying to speak negatively about my parents, but I didn't have any, by their choice. I had pain, abuse, and rejection. I had a mom who sent me to foster care when I didn't do my chores right.

And for years I had to process and work through that pain and abuse. I've done pretty well, but what's left is this horrible grief.

I have friends who post about their parents on Facebook, and it's been like a kick in the teeth recently. I'm happy for them, makes me so thankful for the relationship they have with their parents. But I also see how they, also in their 40's, have had this long supportive accepting relationship with their parents.

I suddenly notice the real loss.

I miss having parents. Miss people and relationships that never existed for me.

Why am I sharing this? Because I need to tell someone. This kind of grief is a kind that no one ever really talks about. Abandonment is not like a death. It's a loss that I just have to keep inside. I know I will get passed this. I know God has a plan. But in the mean time, if there is anyone who can relate to me, just know I get it.  It's a weird painful grief.

Good things with NAASCA.org

Wow... what a whirl wind these last couple of days have been.  The pinnacle was the opportunity to share my story on NAASCA.org blog radio. I'm including the link, but the show should come with a warning, "Dork ahead lol."  Well, I was trying to be myself... and after the first few nervous minutes it became quite comfortable. NAASCA.org is doing ton's of great things to help adult survivors of child abuse. I encourage everyone to check out their site. 

Here's the radio show. http://www.blogtalkradio.com/bill-murray/2015/09/17/stop-child-abuse-now-scan--1183

I hope something good comes from me sharing. I hope it will encourage someone else that their story matters.

~CeeCee

Goals and realistic expectations

Wow. Summer is almost over.  It’s crazy how fast time flies by.  This summer I finished the writing and editing process of my first fiction book, Wrecked and Yours.  I love the story about overcoming strife is one that resonates with me. This book is about three homeless kids and how they navigate life. As adults they reconnect, and it’s messy, like life often is. It’s their season to make a choice: look at life honestly and deal with it, or continue to run away.  I absolutely loved writing it.

Here’s the book’s page if you’d like to check it out. http://www.amazon.com/Wrecked-Yours-CeeCee-James-ebook/dp/B013TAV50G/ref=asap_bc?ie=UTF8

As summer winds down I’m thinking about the new school year. It’s caught me off guard this year, so I feel like I’m scrambling a bit. 

Our family is a homeschooling family. Before I share anything else, I just want to say that homeschooling isn’t for everyone.  We all do the best we can and make the best decisions we can for our kids. I support whatever schooling choices parents make for their family.

But, like I said, we felt led to homeschool.  As I add up the years, I realized I’ve homeschooled for 20 years. That’s a long time.  I’m feeling it, let me tell you. 

I remember how each year started. Summer was for scraping out the deals and plotting that years curriculum. We’d start at the first week of September. Everything was bright, shiny. We were on a role!

Hello, first roadblock. It didn’t matter what it was. It could be trying to wrangle soccer practice into the schedule, or  a child forgetting the entire “eight” section in the multiplication table, or another child forgetting what “sit down and read” meant. 

Or it could be something more disruptive. But, inevitable, something was thrown into our day that messed up the entire timetable. And once that was messed up, it was a struggle to get everything back on track again.

And then the guilt came.

So here I am, faced with a new year, and I know the pattern ahead of me. I’d like to do this year without the guilt. I’d like to do it in faith that this will work out, God has a plan. He’s gotten me this far and helped me when I was at my wits end. He’s not going to leave me to flounder now. Because I’ve also seen the pattern of the finished school year: my kids completed the courses set before them (not without a few hair raising days, for sure), and the ones that have graduated have gone on to have successful happy lives. 

And they all learned their “eight” multiplication table.

I wonder what it would have been like if I had been a bit kinder to myself through the years, and given myself more grace.  Structure was something I needed for my teaching style, but I wish I could have hung on a bit tighter to the ultimate goal when life shook my schedule more than I liked. 

So, as September approaches, I just want to encourage anyone reading this to remember to be kind to yourself as you set your own goals for the new season. And that doesn't pertain specifically to homeschooling, but to anything you are planning. Sometimes there’s a few kinks that twist up our expectations. Just hang in there, because one way or another, it does work out. 

*hug to anyone who needs one today*

~CeeCee

Father's Day without a Father

Father's Day is almost upon us.  The thankful Facebook posts depicting pictures of laughing fathers and kids are showering down my wall. The TV is filled with commercials informing me of what my Dad wants, what I should cook him, buy him, call him.

I try to tune it all out. I've done it for so long that sometimes I forget it could be a day for me to celebrate my own dad.

Some of us are missing fathers because of their death. Some of us have living fathers that we have no contact with.  I have both.  I had a father, who for his own choices, addictions, and pain, chose not to have contact with me until his death. I have a step-father who has chosen the same thing.

Two men, key men in my life, chose to treat me this way.  It seems like it would be incredible odds to be rejected twice. But then I remember the common thread, my mom married them both. Sometimes the cycle truly is not broken but simply plays out in a different way.

If I'm honest, I do feel a loss at Father's Day. Even the Facebook posts that talk about missing their father who have died can choke me up, because I don't have the same happy memories or experiences.

But, life is about choices. I didn't choose for my fathers to have this type of relationship with me. I would have loved nothing more than to give them a big hug, cook them their favorite dinner, and even buy them a tie. :)  Instead, I love them enough to have let them make their own choices, and to forgive (even if I don't understand, can't understand) why they were incapable of being true fathers.

My choice is to be thankful for the good fathers that I do have in my life. Number one being my husband. His love for our kids has taught me so much of what a father looks like, and I am blessed for my kids. He is amazing (I love you honey xo.)

I'm thankful for the fathers of my friend's kids. So many great role models, who've coached sports teams, worked hard, and still come home to take care of their families.

I'm thankful for the fathers who say their sorry when they do make a mistake. No one is perfect. Who take the time to say, "I love you. I'm proud of you."

I'm thankful for the moment when I realized that I did have a Father, God, who wanted me even when my earthly parents didn't, or couldn't. And it comforts me to realize that he wants my parents the same way.  Maybe because that's the only way I can see the cycle being broken in their life, and true happiness restored.

If Father's Day is a difficult day for you, no matter the reason, I just wanted to send out a hug. You aren't alone.  It's a weird day for a lot of people.  I hope this day brings new revelation and peace, if you need it.

Debit Machine

If the only words of affirmation you’ve heard today came from a debit machine “You are approved,”  then you've come to the right place.

I love reminding people of how awesome they are.   This might be hard for some of you to read. I get that. There was a time in my life where I was at a women’s retreat, and the speaker wanted everyone to sing, “Jesus loves me.” I. Could. Not. Do. It.  Even worse, I felt like an idiot sitting there in stony silence, struggling to hold in the shame and guilt while everyone else around me laughed at the silliness of singing a child’s song. The song undid me. I couldn’t even leave for the bathroom to pull myself together out of fear I’d catch someone’s eye on the way out and breaking down.

Over time  I became better equipped and was able to deflect the compliments with a laugh. It was still a protection.  But a protection against what?

Strangely, the good things that have been so hard for me to receive are so easy for me to see in other people. Are you the same way?  I'm working on being able to hear positive things about myself.  There are many things outside of us that comes against our value, and I think it's important we don't do it to ourselves as well. 

Why is it important to grasp it about ourselves? There is an old saying, "Treat others as you want to be treated." or again, "Love others as you love yourself."  I believe the way we see others is strongly influenced by the way we view ourselves. 

Is it easy for you to hear positive things about yourself?  Well, let's test it. :) Here's some positive things I feel about my readers, about You. And I mean them from the bottom of my heart.  So here it goes;

In case you haven’t heard it lately, You are really cool.  You’ve got talents that you don’t even realize you have. All the hopes of where you thought you’d be, and what you wanted to achieve is still possible, even if you don’t see a way at this time.  You've a lot to accomplish yet.

There is no one like you, and you are a vital piece of the puzzle.  The best example that is coming to me is colors.  There are millions of colors, each so important, each one adding to life. If you take one away, it will be missed, even if the color was subtle. That's how you are.

You are beautiful, amazing, deep, thoughtful, hilarious, brave, creative, and smart. You are stronger than you think.

Don’t measure your value on your success, or your perceived failures, or the mistakes you have made, or what someone has told you.  Don't measure your value based on the people around you. You are a fiery piece of humanity, and in my belief, made in God’s image.

I'm glad you're here, reading my blog. I'm honored!  I hope you have a great day.  :)


 

quick thought

Just a quick thought today;

One thing I’ve learned is that a person who’s suffered looks like everyone else. No matter how you feel, the word “broken” is not emblazoned on your forehead.  You aren’t weak, even if you feel it at times. Your story is important.  I respect you. Everyone has gone through something.

More importantly, it does get better.

(((((((((big hug to anyone who needs one)))))))))))))))))))))

More tomorrow!

Stopping Negative Self-Talk

Negative self-talk is a destructive habit I'm trying to break. Today on facebook, good ol' facebook, I read two posts on negative self-talk. One was the video where the women have to enter through either a door that says "Average," or "Beautiful."  If it makes you cringe to think of entering through the door marked, "Beautiful," you might be a victim of negative self-talk.

It's not the same as being humble. It's a constant dribble of background noise that says you don't measure up, you could have done it better. A constant examining, questioning, and judging yourself.

It's the complete opposite of conviction, instead has it's roots in condemnation. It brings fear, discouragement, unworthiness, and even shame.

The scary thing is that it's possible we don't realize how often we do this to ourselves. This type of talk is often quiet, running along in the back ground while we get ready for work, clean the house, talk with our friends, parent our children, and other daily activities. It's what compares us to others and proves how we have fallen short.

It rarely accomplishes anything to argue with negative self-talk, in fact it might encourage it more ie: "Why am I still battling this? How come I can't get over this? It's true anyway."

I have heard it said many times, "Fake it until you make it." I think one way to break this habit is to tell yourself the opposite, even if it doesn't feel true.

The way I personally battle it is with a thankful prayer. Sometimes I can't even say the opposite, but I can say, "You know God, I'm going to use this negative thought to remind me to pray for (whoever might be struggling at the time.) Just bless them God and let them know how special they are. Thank you for (making this incredible day, or whatever is around me at the moment I feel thankful for.) Thank you that I am changing every day. "  For some reason, praying for someone else really helps me to get out of my own head and negative feelings.

That might not work for everyone. I read that it can be helpful to write down every time you think negatively about yourself, just to bring an awareness to the habit. It might help others to use that moment to say, "I am good enough, even on my bad days."

If you ever battle with negative self-talk, you aren't alone. There isn't anything wrong with you. You are awesome and amazing and here for a purpose. It might take time to break that habit, but even in this bad habit, one day,  we have hope of seeing beauty for ashes.

Fear No More is published

Hi Everybody! After some grueling weeks, Fear No More is published! This book is near and dear to my heart because of all the brave quotes I was given from friends, and readers. I can't say enough about them.  And with that, the Ghost No More series is finished.

Wow.... I'm wondering what I'll write next! 

Thank you for all your support and encouragement. I love reading the notes, emails, and facebook messages.  They mean a lot to me!


~CeeCee James

http://www.amazon.com/Fear-No-More-Ghost-ebook/dp/B00VN8UNWS/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1428560628&sr=8-3&keywords=ghost+no+more

Hi Everyone! Don't give up on me. I'm in editing with my new book and have been super busy trying to get it done. I'm really excited about it and hope you all will like it!

Quick Post

I'm so sorry that I haven't posted for a while. I'm working on book 3, eeep! It's exciting and challenging, and I can barely multi-task making dinner and keeping up with the house in the meantime. Thank you all for your support! It means a lot!

Unexpected Pain

Have you ever felt like your emotions betrayed you?  That happened to me tonight. I was in a chat room with some other authors, happily chatting about the Golden Globes, when the emotional gates unleashed. What was the trigger? Taxes, the word taxes.

It triggered a load of grief about my Dad's death, a load I didn't even know was there.

In about 30 seconds flat I went from a smile to my face to tears puddling, mascara smeared, 'quick grab a tissue' mess. My husband came around the corner and stopped short at the sight. "What in the world happened?" he asked.

I had a lump in my throat and I couldn't even answer. I just shook my head, accepted his hug, and went back to furiously typing to the anonymous people at the other end of the keyboard.  I was half ashamed, half relieved to be sharing the emotions. The relief came as they all began to share their experiences with pain. I wasn't alone.

Feeling alone is one of the worst feelings. It's a relief to know that other people understand and care. I don't know if my emotions let lose because I felt there was a safety in sharing with people I really don't know, or if it was just that I had the pain stopped up for so long it was ready to burst.

If anyone who is reading this feels alone right now, for one reason or another, I want you to know I care. I really do.  You can message me, and I'll listen. You aren't alone. People can relate to your pain. Whether it's old pain, deep pain, or a recent pain from a fight with a spouse or friend, people can relate.  I promise that no matter what is going on in your life, someone out there can relate. You aren't alone.

And if you are feeling like it's too private or no one will understand, I promise there is one who does. God gets you, he understands what makes you tick, and why you think and feel the way you do. You don't have to explain it all to him. You can just go and tell him you don't know how to fix the pain. He might send you to a group of anonymous people like he did me, just to remind me that we aren't so different from one another after all.

(((((((((((((((big hug for anyone who might need one))))))))))))))))))))

Grab those negative thoughts

I love it when God talks to me. I've been struggling with some doldrums for a while, and slowly he's been pulling me out. Yesterday he pointed out some habits I have about the way I think about myself. It's amazing how sneaky critical thinking speaks to me. But I'm so used to it I never question the negative thoughts.  I'm going to try and give examples, because I don't have it all the way figured out yet.

In an attempt to get myself out of the doldrums I've decided to exercise. Anyone who knows me knows I Hate to exercise.  I'd hardly finished the section on the exercise DVD when I started to criticize myself.... "That wasn't so hard. Why don't you do it more often?" It doesn't sound like much, but that thought alone immediately made me feel like I'd failed.

God highlighted that thought process for me, with another thought, "You don't have to accept this. You didn't do anything wrong. You can be pleased with what you did." Okay, he didn't say it to me in that many words, it was more of a lighting fast impression. But in that second, He got to the root of the problem quicker than I could figure out, and gave me a tool to deal with it.

So today I've been trying to be more cognizant of the thoughts I think after I accomplish something. Usually the thought admonishes me. I tell it, "No, I did fine." I know this must sound silly, it kind of does to me just typing it out. But, by writing it on this blog I'm reminding myself to keep fighting the fight against condemnation.

Here ends today's post. Remember, God made you YOU for a reason. You are good enough, even on your bad days. (((((((((Big hug in case you need one today :) ))))))))))))))))))))

Your Worth the Time to Smell the Roses

Merry Day After Christmas! :) Does your house look like mine? Torn bits of garbage left over from the paper blizzard/food fest.  I didn't jump right into cleaning it this morning. Instead, I sat in my comfy chair and listened to the radio. It's really come to my attention how busy I am.... not busy in a good way, but busy in the way that I'm always thinking, doing, trying to figure out things. My mind is never still. Even when I pray my mind is thinking about this or that.

Yesterday when I tried this, a Christmas carol came on the radio, one of those old fashioned ones. It reminded me of being a little girl listening to an old song as a child and being enchanted.  It was easy for me to 'stop and smell the roses' back then. Even during the hard times.

I let the old deep baritones wash over me, and relaxed deeper into the chair.  I felt like God was with me, and this was a different type of prayer. Just spending time with him, enjoying the gifts he's given.

Today was still as struggle to sit and be quiet. I had to make myself sit in the chair, and tell myself over and over to JUST STOP.

And I started to hear the words of the song. It's weird, I've heard the words a million times, but never actually listened to them, if that makes sense.  The song is by Brandon Heath, and I'll post the lyrics below if you want to read them.

They spoke to me. In the midst of the busyness of my mind is still the undercurrent of "Do better, be better. What am I missing?"

Here's the lyrics:
I felt it first when I was younger

A strange connection to the light

I tried to satisfy the hunger

I never got it right

I never got it right

So I climbed a mountain and built an altar

Looked out as far as I could see

And everyday I'm getting older

I'm running outta dreams

I'm running outta dreams


But your love

Your love

The only the thing that matters is your love

Your love is all I have to give

Your love is enough to light up the darkness

It's your love

Your love

All I ever needed is your love


You know the effort I have given

And you know exactly what it cost

And though my innocence was taken

Not everything is lost

Not everything is lost no


You're the hope in the morning

You're the light when the night is falling

You're the song when my heart is singing

It's your love

You're the eyes to the blind man

You're the feet to the lame man walking

You're the sound of the people singing

It's your love.

Some thoughts about Christmas

Wow, isn't it incredible? I mean something to God. He knows who I am, this tiny speck of a person, who lives on a tiny blue speck spinning in blackness. He knows my thoughts and fears, talents, hopes and dreams, and he cares.

I talk to him a lot at  night. It's in the darkness that I feel the smallest and my anxieties and questions the loudest. What I love about him is that I can come with every question and thought and he accepts me.  That's a big thing to realize, I don't have to be fake for him to love me.

Somehow, in the midst of every fear I've struggled with, he has brought peace.

When I look up at the stars the vastness of the universe overwhelms me; seriously. My husband can look at them for hours and feel inspired. They make me feel small.  But it was with a star that God highlighted the message brought by the angel,"Do not be afraid; for behold, I bring you good news of great joy which will be for all the people; for today in the city of David there has been born for you a Savior, who is Christ the Lord.…"

Don't you love how God always reminds us of that? "Don't be afraid. I've come to take away your fears, and replace them with my perfect love." He knows us, gets that we worry and have fears. He knows that fear robs our peace, and wants to remind us He cares about us.

Today I read a beautiful thought;

Know that you were formed by God's hands, dreamed in his heart and place in this world for a purpose.

Hope you all have a good weekend as we move closer to celebrating the day that he came to take away our fear, and show us his love.

Old/New Post

Can I cheat a little bit? I wrote a post at the beginning of the year that's close to my heart, and I wanted to share it again. Especially with the end of the year approaching, and New Year's resolutions staring us in the face.

Sometimes, do you ever feel like you are circling around and around the same mountain? Like you think you were making progress, only to be dragged back into it again? “hey, been here done that…”

One thing I’ve discovered is that nearly everyone goes through this. You most certainly aren’t alone.  

I have felt that way more times then I can tell you.  I will battle something down, and revel in that small thrill of victory… and then bam! It comes flying back into my lap for me to deal with again. I felt like a failure, and wonder why can’t I get passed this (over-come it, deal with it whatever the situation is.)

Certain “mountains” seem more condemning than others if I feel like I don’t have success with it. It used to bother me before that I was still dealing with issues from my childhood memories.  I grew up with being told that what’s happened is done, pick yourself up and brush yourself off. Pull yourself up by your bootstraps.  You can’t blame everything on your parents.

All those things are true, and yet they aren’t absolute.  I can’t blame everything on my parents. I have my own free will now. I don’t want to live a life as a victim.

I also am not a book; turn the page and the story moves on.  Sometimes what feels like going around the mountain is really just dealing with the same situation at a different level.

That sounds so simple, doesn’t it? But it’s easier to say “What’s wrong with me that I can’t get passed this?” then to take a minute and say, “Wow, I am recognizing things a little differently here.  I have made steps, even if they seem small compared to the emotions I’m facing right now.”

Whenever I face my mountain again, it’s my time to trot out what I have learned. It’s my time to speak the truth to the mountain, despite what my emotions are feeling. The things I speak are-

1)    God got me this far, he’s going to get me the rest of the way.

2)    Despite how I feel, I am deeply loved, even if the only one I can count is God- He’s not angry with me. He will never leave me.

3)    I have not failed, I am still learning.

4)    This moment will pass.

5)There will be beauty from ashes from this situation.

 Maybe you are facing a mountain today, or feel like you’ve gone around it before.  Hang in there.  You are making progress, even if you don’t see it. It will get better. I am a firm believer that we get to encourage others from the strength and encouragement we gain as we face our mountains.  Even if you feel weak now, one day you will be encouraging someone else!

Sale!

Hi Everyone! Just a quick note today to say that Lost No More, the sequel to Ghost No More (my own personal story), is on sale for .99 on Amazon for the next few days! Thank you so much for your support. I respond to every note and email and I appreciate them so much. You all encourage me as much as I'd hope to encourage you! :)

Have a great day. Weekend is almost here!
Here's some links if you want to check them out. Thank you again!

http://www.amazon.com/Lost-No-More-Ghost-Book-ebook/dp/B00MDLKWGQ/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1417680431&sr=8-2&keywords=ghost+no+more


http://www.amazon.com/Ghost-No-More-Series-Book-ebook/dp/B00IJ0AKRQ/ref=pd_sim_kstore_1?ie=UTF8&refRID=02NWG6Z29TC48S1D92PP