Good morning! Wow I am sooo ready for winter to be over. Come on Spring!! Costco had a vase of tulip bulbs, and I splurged and bought it for my kitchen table.  They are pink and white, so lovely!

In the meantime my car windows are frozen over and need to be scraped. UGH Still, it's not as bad here as it in the other states. This has been the winter of SNOW!

In other news, I mentioned a scripture a few weeks back that really encouraged me. For a long time I didn't feel like I "fit in" with everyone else. I felt like I was less than everyone, or had trouble connecting with people. In my mind everyone else had it together more than I did. So I searched up the scripture, and here it is;

1 Corinthians 1:27

But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. God chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things—and the things that are not—to nullify the things that are, so that no one may boast before him.

Even if I didn't feel worth it God chose me. He values us even when we don't see our value. There is someone out there who loves us even when we feel unlovable, or  feel like we don't fit in.

He gets us.

He understands what makes us tick.

And he made a choice. ~Us~

Hope you have a good week. *Big hug to those who need it!*

Sometimes, do you ever feel like you are circling around and around the same mountain? Like you think you were making progress, only to be dragged back into it again? “hey, been here done that…”

One thing I’ve discovered is that nearly everyone goes through this. You most certainly aren’t alone.  

I have felt that way more times then I can tell you.  I will battle something down, and revel in that small thrill of victory… and then bam! It comes flying back into my lap for me to deal with again. I felt like a failure, and wonder why can’t I get passed this (over-come it, deal with it whatever the situation is.)

Certain “mountains” seem more condemning than others if I feel like I don’t have success with it. It used to bother me before that I was still dealing with issues from my childhood memories.  I grew up with being told that what’s happened is done, pick yourself up and brush yourself off. Pull yourself up by your bootstraps.  You can’t blame everything on your parents.

All those things are true, and yet they aren’t absolute.  I can’t blame everything on my parents. I have my own free will now. I don’t want to live a life as a victim.

I also am not a book; turn the page and the story moves on.  Sometimes what feels like going around the mountain is really just dealing with the same situation at a different level.

That sounds so simple, doesn’t it? But it’s easier to say “What’s wrong with me that I can’t get passed this?” then to take a minute and say, “Wow, I am recognizing things a little differently here.  I have made steps, even if they seem small compared to the emotions I’m facing right now.”

Whenever I face my mountain again, it’s my time to trot out what I have learned. It’s my time to speak the truth to the mountain, despite what my emotions are feeling. The things I speak are-

1)    God got me this far, he’s going to get me the rest of the way.

2)    Despite how I feel, I am deeply loved, even if the only one I can count is God- He’s not angry with me. He will never leave me.

3)    I have not failed, I am still learning.

4)    This moment will pass.

5)There will be beauty from ashes from this situation.

 Maybe you are facing a mountain today, or feel like you’ve gone around it before.  Hang in there.  You are making progress, even if you don’t see it. It will get better. I am a firm believer that we get to encourage others from the strength and encouragement we gain as we face our mountains.  Even if you feel weak now, one day you will be encouraging someone else!

Well, I’m still writing like crazy. People tell me it’s cathartic to write out the painful experiences. Sometimes it is. Sometimes I feel so disconnected to the past abuse that it’s hard to believe it happened to me. Other times I can barely get the words out, and the story sounds stilted and proper. I can always tell what memories hurt the most. Usually they are the shortest on paper, written with broad strokes with hardly any detail.

The lovely thing about writing them down, the truly cathartic part, is seeing the puzzle pieces come together.  For so long I wondered, is it just me? Was I wrong? Maybe my parents were just having a hard time. Was I who they said I was?

I’ve heard abuse stories in the media, truly horrific stories that grabbed me by my heart and I couldn’t stand to hear more. In some ways it confused me and made me think of my own past with thoughts like, “It wasn’t that bad.”

Seeing my story written down validates me that, yes, it was that bad.  I’m finally giving myself permission to feel the emotions I had as a little girl that I wasn’t allowed to have then. I don’t want to live there, in those emotions. But it was so good for me to acknowledge the pain I went through alone. The pain I had to hide from everyone. The pain I was taught by my parents to accept as due punishment.

I can see how when I finally acknowledged it, the feeling of “No one understands,” started to dissipate. I wasn’t searching for someone to validate the abuse anymore.

I don’t know if you are searching for that yourself.  I’m here to tell you that pain isn’t measure by the events. If you felt neglected, unloved, or hurt, those feelings are valid. I can’t fix it for you because we all have our own journey from ashes to beauty. But I care. 

Just think of all you have accomplished still with a little bit of ashes in your life!  *Sappy Alert* You really are amazing!

So the question for today is- How old were you when you first realized that what was happening to you, or had happened to you was not okay? I’ve talked with people all over the spectrum. Some people knew as children that their parents had an anger/ emotional/ control problem.  It was part of their world in a way that they knew they had to protect themselves from it.

It wasn’t like that for me. I spent my childhood believing I was what was broken in the family.  I never connected the bruises to being my parent’s issues. I always felt like I deserved it, even when I wasn’t sure what I had done wrong.

It wasn’t until my baby shower with my first child that I even had a glimmer that it wasn’t me. My pastor’s wife came to my shower. She drove me home, and listened while I described my mom in glowing terms.  She looked at me for a second before saying quietly, “That’s not the person I met today.”

I was stunned at the time, and torn with a weird anger to protect my mom.  It took a long time for me to come to the truth. It still hurts actually, to realize you can’t make yourself loveable to someone no matter how you try.  

If, today, you have a hollow inside from not having your parents approval and love I just want to send you a hug. Maybe you feel like you should know better, because they’ve always treated you that way.  Remember that as kids, we are made to crave our parent’s love and approval.

Remember that the falling apart of the relationship is a consequence of their choice, not yours.

The beauty from the ashes is that as we get better, we are able to encourage other people in the same situation.  I think that’s what really moves us from a survivor to living a life full of joy.

Thank you for reading!!! It means a lot to me J

There is a scripture that talks about how God chose the despised and lowly things in this life, the things not wanted. That’s definitely what happened to me. He gave me value where I had been brainwashed to believe I had no value. He showed me love when I was convinced I didn’t deserve it. He found me, even though I wasn’t even looking for him at the time.

He loves you the same way.  You are his joy.  He’s not angry with you, and you haven’t failed. Even when we know God loves us, sometimes it’s still hard to believe he thinks good things about us because we know ourselves so well.

You are loved, and you rock! Have an amazing day.

 Hi ya! Is it a football weekend where you're at? I love football, but I'm not sure if it's the game or the snacks or the cheering people I'm with that I like best lol.

They say that the football players really rely on their fans to motivate them. So today I'm going to be your fan! Even if it sounds cheesy (and I'm known for that) this is totally sincere. :)

I believe in you!!
You can do it!
You totally rock!
You are unique! And in a good way! lol
You make a difference. :)


Have a good day.  ((((((big hug to any who need it)))))