As adults, sometimes we know what was going on with our parents. We know they are/were addicted to a substance, or they have Manic Depression, or some other type of disorder.  Or we know they suffered at the hands of their parents and are broken. Sometimes we don’t know exactly what’s wrong. We just see there is something in them that always kept their reaction to us unpredictable, no matter how hard we tried to keep out of sight, or do the right thing.

As kids, we became experts at interpreting the sound of their walk, the tone in their voice, or even the slam of the door to determine what their mood was.  Some may even argue that we were programed to do that, so that we would adjust our actions accordingly to please them.

Maybe our parents didn’t know they were training us with that type of manipulation.

I think part of my healing as an adult was taking a moment to see if I was still reacting to them in the way I did as a child. When they called, was I reading their moods over the phone and adjusting accordingly? Was I afraid to make them mad and suffer the following temper-tantrum?

There is a great book by Dr. Henry Cloud & John Townsend called Boundaries. That book slowly helped me break the cycle, and do it in a way that made me feel as though I was respecting both them and myself.

Although my parents didn’t see it that way, when I started to change my reaction to them. It’s to be expected that when you put boundaries down there is going to be blowback, and it might look ugly for a little while. I want to remind anyone out there who needs to put down boundaries - keep strong! Their reaction is not your responsibility.  Putting down boundaries is actually an act of love, both for yourself and for them.

The authors have written several books on the subject of boundaries; boundaries with kids, and in marriage.  There is wisdom in those books that really helped my family when we found ourselves stuck in some bad habits.

((((((((Big hug to all who need one today)))))))))))) You are meant for good things. Getting healthier is just one more moment of culling beauty from the ashes.

 

 

 

There is a scripture that talks about how God chose the despised and lowly things in this life, the things not wanted. That’s definitely what happened to me. He gave me value where I had been brainwashed to believe I had no value. He showed me love when I was convinced I didn’t deserve it. He found me, even though I wasn’t even looking for him at the time.

He loves you the same way.  You are his joy.  He’s not angry with you, and you haven’t failed. Even when we know God loves us, sometimes it’s still hard to believe he thinks good things about us because we know ourselves so well.

You are loved, and you rock! Have an amazing day.

 Hi ya! Is it a football weekend where you're at? I love football, but I'm not sure if it's the game or the snacks or the cheering people I'm with that I like best lol.

They say that the football players really rely on their fans to motivate them. So today I'm going to be your fan! Even if it sounds cheesy (and I'm known for that) this is totally sincere. :)

I believe in you!!
You can do it!
You totally rock!
You are unique! And in a good way! lol
You make a difference. :)


Have a good day.  ((((((big hug to any who need it)))))

Just in case you haven’t heard it today, you are remarkable!

So child abuse recovery isn’t something I think about every day, but it’s what my blog is about. So I’ll talk about it a lot here. J 

There were two reoccurring feelings I’ve had as an adult that resulted from the abuse. 

The first was feeling very very alone in my experiences, as though no one could relate or understand me. Sometimes, I felt such deep pain, but there was so much back story in order to explain the emotions that it was too much work to tell anyone. Sometimes I didn’t understand the pain myself.

The second was doubt the abuse happened. I’ve always been reluctant to label what I went through as child abuse, because I didn’t want to think that about my family.  I never wanted to talk about it because it felt disloyal. I loved them. It was actually easier to think it was me than it was to think it was them. If it’s me, then I have some type of control over it. I can be good enough to make it stop. I can do it right so it won’t happen anymore.

That thought continued as an adult. I tolerated behavior and comments, thinking I was giving grace, when really I was being the same compliant child I had always been. I still walked on eggshells, trying not to rock the boat. I was still operating under the old rule, “To resist or say anything makes their actions (punishment) worse.”

I’m not saying my parents, or anyone’s parents are bad people.  Usually they are good people who are hurting people. But, just because they are good people, doesn’t mean we have to deny the hurt they caused.

The greatest thing in the world would be if they apologized.  As their kids, we don’t need them to grovel or beg for forgiveness. We just need that small recognition that they hurt us, and they wish they hadn’t. It’s amazing what a gift that acknowledgement really is.

This blog is dedicated to all the people out there who felt they didn’t have a voice growing up. It’s to support anyone who is hurting now. We may not get that acknowledgement. We may have to forgive without an apology, so that we can live free. And maybe this blog can support someone who is trying to do that now. ***big hugs for those who need them**** Until tomorrow then J

Today is a new day, full of possibilities to see some beauty. And you are here reading this blog. J Let me stop writing for a sec to tell you that you are Ahhhmazing!! Ok, on to my new thoughts for the day…

So, I was thinking about this last night… how do I define child abuse? There is physical, emotional, and verbal abuse, but for me, the bottom line is how it makes the child feel.  The emotional fall out from child abuse are feelings of feeling unworthy, unloved, abandoned, tossed away, betrayed, a disappointment, scared, a failure, just trying to survive, helpless to make it better or escape, and hopelessness.

For me, recovery of child abuse is learning to live, not with those emotions, but without them. Which is a miracle in itself because they were such a big part of me.

I don’t know how other child abuse survivors do it, or how long it takes them to heal.  Not many people talk about it, we all go on with our lives. Which is a good thing!   I was rescued by God. I don’t know how to talk about God on a blog without sounding preachy, but I don’t mean it that way. It’s the simplest way to say how I learned I was loved, and it’s true.

Recovery for me has had its own fall out- having to have boundaries with my family, and the resulting cutting off of the relationship. I wonder how many other people are like me, who are cut off from their families.

So I am here today spreading the word- no matter where you are in dealing with your past, there are people who can relate with you and how you are feeling. You aren’t alone. Have a good day! *big hugs if you need one*

 

 

Good morning! Beautiful sunny day today. Yesterday I watched  The Secret Life of Mitty... it was a pretty good flick. I liked  the movie, but was the message that he gained value after he had all those adventures? Maybe I missed the message.

Ok, for something personal... I cried at the volcano scene. LOL I am kind of a dork and cry at everything. Truth is, my mom ran from me when I was a little kid in a car fire. I chased after her. She always told me she would never have come back from me. So when Mitty says "you came back for me," it just choked me up.

Laying my head on my husbands shoulder while watching the movie gave me beauty from ashes from that memory. I am blessed to have known love.

There is a saying that what doesn’t break you makes you stronger. Isn’t that so true. One of my favorite examples is a tree growing in a storm. The wind blows and the tree bows, but the roots go deep, and the tree stays standing.

I love that thought!

I’ve really been going over my past because of a project I am doing. It’s been exhausting and overwhelming at times to see my history all written out. For all of my life I’ve been use to either dealing with it in very small chunks, or listing my history in some non-emotional type of outline. But to dig into it, lay it out on the table, and remember what happened when….very overwhelming and painful.

 

But I feel the deep roots, and I am thankful. I wouldn't be here if God hadn't found me, and rescued me.

What's next as adult survivors of child abuse?

So I made this blog for several reasons. I have been doing some healing from past child abuse, and thinking about how we go on to try and live normal healthy lives, hoping to never be like our abusers.

Sometimes I still feel the rejection from my parents, especially since, even as an adult I tried to have relationship with them. I didn't realize the abuse was still going on, through their manipulation and insults. I was still trying to be the "good child". What I thought was healthiness was really my old coping skills kicking in to protect me from their outbursts.

 My parents eventually  didn't want to speak to me any more. Even though their rejection hurt, that's when I experienced some real freedom.

So I wondered if there were more of us out there, who struggle between the hurt, and health of a relationship with parents that once abused us (and maybe still do). BTW- Facebook has been a doozy, every time someone posts a picture about "appreciate your mom or dad", I feel pain. Every time someone writes, your parents won't be with you for long, I feel pain.  I can't fix the relationship. The separation has to be there for now for my own health.

Sometimes we chose the separation, sometimes we don't. But however it comes I think it helps us to see more clearly. We want to please our family, so it's only when that option isn't available that we can really see things for the way they are.

It's hard to see the estrangement as a consequence of their choices, but it really is. Without even a small change of heart on their part, it's hard to get healthy while still in a relationship with them.

 

Here is a hug for each and every person who needs one **********BIG HUG***********

 

We might have been bruised, scared, and broken as kids, but there is a life, and light  out of that pain. There is healing for the part of us that we'd rather shut away because we think no one can relate. Here's to living a life of beauty pulled from all those ashes.