My Book- Ghost No More- Thank you so much!

Hi everyone. *sets out a plate of fresh-baked chocolate chip cookies*  :) I know it's been a while! This last month has felt a bit like treading water for me. Lots of good and some confusion.

Writing my hubby's book really helped me put some distance between me and my past that I didn't realize I needed.  After having to pull all of those memories out of me I guess I was kind of stuck with them.  But even that was good, because some how writing them out diffused the pain.

I wrote the book to help other people, but now I can see how much it's helped me. If you've ever thought about writing out your past, I encourage you to do it, if this is the right time and season. :)  There's no rush, if this isn't the right season.

I remember being scared to write Ghost No More out because I felt like I wasn't being forgiving. But finally I realized, it's just the truth, as best as I can tell it, not a blame game.

I was scared to face the trauma, from one end to the other. It was so difficult to write out. Of course, I'd shared bits and pieces with my friends through the years, but not all at once, not like this. Even when I shared with my friends, somehow I distanced myself from it, almost as if I were talking about someone else.

I was scared to feel the memories.

I was also scared to have it on my computer, in case my kids should for some reason stumble upon it.

My last fear stemmed from: "Don't tell anyone the family secret." I am a grown woman, and I had No idea how deeply rooted that rule was inside of me until the week before I published.  Huge shame and fear hit me. 
Most authors are happy when they publish.

I cried.

But now, blessed freedom!

So now I am wondering what I should do next. Just sort of spinning my wheels, thinking, and praying. Oh, and quilting. LOL I am sewing a quilt that I have thus far feel like I've sewn twice because of all the seams I've had to rip out.

Just want to say thank you for reading this journal, and sharing with me this part of my journey. I hope all is good in your world, and you are continuing to see beauty from your ashes.

((((((((((((((((big hugs to anyone who needs one)))))))))))))))))
~CeeCee

Sexual Abuse Awareness

My friend, Leslie said this the other day- " Considering awareness...breast cancer affects 1 in 8 women, depression affects 1 in 4, and sexual abuse/rape 1 in 3. I think it is time for more awareness about what a serious problem sexual assault and rape are."
I'm desperate for the healing of all three. I'm also reminded that it's not always about the event that happened, it's the deep wounds it leaves behind. This is my small attempt at bringing awareness.

There is no shame, and it wasn't your fault. You aren't alone. (((((((Big hug to anyone who needs it)))))))

I am a member of this blog- if it can help anyone...http://www.christiansurvivors.com/forums/

This is going to be a different post than usual.

Tonight I am sitting in my living room praying.  It's one of those prayers that doesn't have to do with a specific need or desire. It's deeper. It's about needing Him.

Because I know myself. I know how I fail others. I know how I can judge, and get frustrated. I know how I am not as patient as I should be. I see how selfish I can be.

Tonight I heard a pastor speak about the prodigal son. He talked about how he was always thinking that he was either one son or the other. Either he had it kind of together, and was the good son, or he was a total failure, and was the bad son.

So, tonight, I was praying specifically about that. I can relate.

Now, mind you, I know we can't earn our way to heaven. I understand it's a free gift from Jesus. But, even after all these years of being a Christian, I am still learning what it means to be loved, covered, and wanted despite my many flaws.

To make up for my flaws, there is a part of me that feels like I should be doing "something." And that "something" looks a lot like acting perfectly.

When I have a good week, I feel like am doing that "something." I feel like I am starting to get my act together and figure it out.

When I have a bad week I feel like I'm never going to "get it right" no matter how hard I try.

Tonight, as I prayed I felt like the Lord highlighted to me (and I am not saying, "thus sayeth the Lord." This is just the feeling I got) that the father in the prodigal story was equally close to both of his sons. The father was just waiting for both of his sons to turn and see how loved they were.

Because, in the story, the "good" son has moments of resentment when the "bad" son returns home. The father rushes down the street to grab the "bad" son up in a hug.  The "good" son doesn't feel appreciated, and the father tells him (paraphrased) "Don't you realize all I have is yours?"

And the "bad" son returned home feeling overwhelmed with guilt and desperation, and was also completely unprepared for his father's love.

I don't get it yet, but what I felt was that God isn't expecting me to be good. He is expecting me to turn to him, and let him be my covering, because he loves me. This is why it's good news.

Sometimes good news can be unbelievable. I remember when I first found out I was pregnant, I couldn't believe it. Sometimes, rather than believe good news I worry that it will get yanked away somehow. For example, if we planned a trip I'd worry it would get rained out, or delayed.

Good news can be hard for me to accept.  I'm thinking that instead of worrying if I am doing it "right or wrong" I might just try to keep my eyes on the one who says this.....Romans 8:31-37 (So amazing. I am trying to grasp this!!)

What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. Who then is the one who condemns? No one. Christ Jesus who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written:

 

“For your sake we face death all day long;

  we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.”

 No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Wow, it's been a crazy week! As things calm down for me I am enjoying hearing the feedback. One reader told me about some of their family problems. I was reminded that family estrangement isn't always between parent and child, but sometimes between siblings.

And it hurts.

I wish I knew how to help with that. In my own experiences I've learned that the estrangement/problem isn't a choice of mine. The situation is a result of their choice. And there is nothing I can do to fix it. We are held, in some ways, at the mercy of their choices, but we are the ones grieving the loss.

It may never feel "okay," inside of us, even as we have to move on. It's important to acknowledge our feelings, and our loss. And to make sure we aren't feeling guilty.

It's important to let them take ownership of their own choices.

There is beauty that can come from these ashes. It might not be a lot, but it will show itself at some point.

(((((((((((big hug to those who need it)))))))))))))))))))))

Ahhh what a great weekend. Did you watch the Super Bowl? I loved it, but I realize not everyone did. What am I going to do with my Sundays now?

In the meantime, I've gotten my cover for my book and am waiting on the editor. YAAY! I started to read a  new book myself, Snow Child. Has anyone else read it? I kind of stumbled through the scene where she wanted to die.... hard stuff to read.

It reminded me of how often people feel unheard, or like nobody cares. Or maybe no one understands. It's a very lonely time. If you feel that way, ((((((((((big hug)))))))))))  You know by now I believe in God, and I know he cares about you. I mean, like a lot!

I've been through the crap of life to understand how trite those words sound (he cares about me? where is he now?) I can't answer why things happen, but I know he loves you. He really is right there. And it's okay to be honest with him. I've yelled, cried, told him all sorts of things... and he still cares.

Can I leave you with these thoughts?


(Isaiah 41:10) I have chosen you and have not rejected you. So do not fear, for I am with you: do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you;

(Isaiah 41:13) For I am the LORD your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.

(Hebrew 13:5) "Never will I leave you;
never will I forsake you.”

(Romans 8:38-39) . . .For I am convinced that neither death nor life nor angels nor governments nor things now here nor things to come nor powers nor height nor depth nor any other creation will be able to separate us from God’s love that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Forgiveness- If only it were a light switch to flip on. If only after it was given, every negative emotion was really erased.

Sometimes, it feels like I am giving them a free pass for what they did to me. It’s hard to be hurt so much and never have recourse.

Yet, through forgiveness was the only way I could find freedom.

I discovered that trick pretty early on. I was desperate to be free from the pain inside, so I tossed out forgiveness to my parents as fast as I could.

I forgive them, I forgive them, I forgive them

Except I really wasn’t.

It wasn’t that I wanted to hold a grudge, or be bitter. It was the fact that I didn’t want to really acknowledge what they did that I was forgiving. For me to acknowledging the pain that happened to the ‘little girl me’ hurt too much. Easier to sweep it under the rug.

Especially since I still saw my parents. Especially after my mom told me her only regret was that she didn’t hit me more.

Forgiveness…..

It’s not for them. It’s for you, and me.

There are steps to it, just like with grief, that I found I couldn’t skip.

Step one- find a way to get it out. The best way, find someone to talk with (a good counselor if you can afford it. Yes you are worth it.) If nothing else, write it out, as much as you are able too. When someone told me that I cringed.

(PS- you haven’t failed if you can’t do it yet)

You are loved. You are so worth love.  There will be beauty from these ashes, if you haven’t seen it yet. If you have, MORE is to come. J

 Forgiveness- what does it mean to you?

Today has been a crazy day.  I am finishing what I hope is my final (har har har) edit on my book.  Exciting times. I'm also beta reading a lovely book written about surviving abuse. WOW I think it's so helpful hearing how someone overcomes hardship- it's encouraging, and real, and reminds all the rest of us that there will be beauty coming from our ashes too.

It's hard to find people to be real with our struggles, but it's good to find them too. None of us have it all together. We all have our crap- seriously, think of anyone you admire... I promise, they have their own serious struggles too.

That's why comparing ourselves to others is so poisoness. We think we know them, and we definitely know ourselves and our crap, so we look so much worse then they do, and they look like they have it all together. In the mean time, they are doing the same comparison with someone else.

I admit, I don't have my stuff together, I struggle... there's areas I need to be healed in that I want to be encouraged in, and areas I've been healed in that I want to share to encourage others.

Step by step, we're getting there :)

So the question for today is- How old were you when you first realized that what was happening to you, or had happened to you was not okay? I’ve talked with people all over the spectrum. Some people knew as children that their parents had an anger/ emotional/ control problem.  It was part of their world in a way that they knew they had to protect themselves from it.

It wasn’t like that for me. I spent my childhood believing I was what was broken in the family.  I never connected the bruises to being my parent’s issues. I always felt like I deserved it, even when I wasn’t sure what I had done wrong.

It wasn’t until my baby shower with my first child that I even had a glimmer that it wasn’t me. My pastor’s wife came to my shower. She drove me home, and listened while I described my mom in glowing terms.  She looked at me for a second before saying quietly, “That’s not the person I met today.”

I was stunned at the time, and torn with a weird anger to protect my mom.  It took a long time for me to come to the truth. It still hurts actually, to realize you can’t make yourself loveable to someone no matter how you try.  

If, today, you have a hollow inside from not having your parents approval and love I just want to send you a hug. Maybe you feel like you should know better, because they’ve always treated you that way.  Remember that as kids, we are made to crave our parent’s love and approval.

Remember that the falling apart of the relationship is a consequence of their choice, not yours.

The beauty from the ashes is that as we get better, we are able to encourage other people in the same situation.  I think that’s what really moves us from a survivor to living a life full of joy.

Thank you for reading!!! It means a lot to me J

Hey how is your week going? Well you are up and 'at em, so that's good.

Taking care of yourself is more than eating right, and exercising. I think the most important way is being kind to yourself.  Do you say more positive or negative things about yourself every day? Do you have a thought in the back of your mind that you aren't measuring up? Or you aren't really giving your best?

Can I suggest you give that thought a break? In fact, I want to make a deal with you that you won't talk down, or be critical with yourself today. It really is a bad habit I think we all struggle with.

You are amazing, and I'm not just saying that. :)

Have a good day-

I hope anyone reading this blog will feel supported that what happened to them was real, and there is freedom from the pain, frustration, and anger of their parent’s actions. It’s hard to give forgiveness and get that freedom when they are still doing things that open the old wounds.  This happened to me a lot, especially after I had kids.

If you have children yourself, you may have had the same difficulty as I did with your kids around your parents. I didn’t want to jade my kids against my parents, so I was careful what I said to them.  Every time my parents came around my kids there was always some weirdness. The types of things that happened were things like; my parents tried to undermine or pit the kids against me, my parents worked to win the kids over with weird manipulation, my parents insulted the kids or me if we didn’t please them. 

Their relationship with my kids was based on appearances, and when my parents cut me off they decided to cut the relationship with their grandkids off too.

I tried to make excuses for my parents, but as my kids grew older, they were able to see things for themselves. That’s the thing with unhealthy behavior, people closest to it will see it.  I say that for anyone who has younger kids and is still trying to navigate the waters of relationship with their parents without boundaries.

All I can say is take a deep breath.  You will get through this.

As adults, sometimes we know what was going on with our parents. We know they are/were addicted to a substance, or they have Manic Depression, or some other type of disorder.  Or we know they suffered at the hands of their parents and are broken. Sometimes we don’t know exactly what’s wrong. We just see there is something in them that always kept their reaction to us unpredictable, no matter how hard we tried to keep out of sight, or do the right thing.

As kids, we became experts at interpreting the sound of their walk, the tone in their voice, or even the slam of the door to determine what their mood was.  Some may even argue that we were programed to do that, so that we would adjust our actions accordingly to please them.

Maybe our parents didn’t know they were training us with that type of manipulation.

I think part of my healing as an adult was taking a moment to see if I was still reacting to them in the way I did as a child. When they called, was I reading their moods over the phone and adjusting accordingly? Was I afraid to make them mad and suffer the following temper-tantrum?

There is a great book by Dr. Henry Cloud & John Townsend called Boundaries. That book slowly helped me break the cycle, and do it in a way that made me feel as though I was respecting both them and myself.

Although my parents didn’t see it that way, when I started to change my reaction to them. It’s to be expected that when you put boundaries down there is going to be blowback, and it might look ugly for a little while. I want to remind anyone out there who needs to put down boundaries - keep strong! Their reaction is not your responsibility.  Putting down boundaries is actually an act of love, both for yourself and for them.

The authors have written several books on the subject of boundaries; boundaries with kids, and in marriage.  There is wisdom in those books that really helped my family when we found ourselves stuck in some bad habits.

((((((((Big hug to all who need one today)))))))))))) You are meant for good things. Getting healthier is just one more moment of culling beauty from the ashes.

 

 

 

Every day feels like normal. Life goes on in crazy swirls and dives and sometimes sputters at a stand-still. I don’t think about my childhood for days on end. Then, there are times when something unexpectedly triggers a memory or emotion. It felt like I was standing alone holding the entire weight of the pain, and I didn’t know how to let go of it.  Life goes on….

Counseling helps, but somehow child pain went on beyond counseling for me.  The pain, fear, self-doubt, and rejection had the ability to tinge everyday situations. That was the worst part for me. Trying to talk myself down from fear, or feeling the stab of rejection and not lashing back from pain.

Growing healthy reminds me of eating a healthy diet;  the choice is for life and not a quick fix. I’m still learning to recognize old thoughts for what they are, and remind myself they aren’t true for me today. I pray a lot to grow in love, and to love more.

Life is good, still pulling the beauty from those ashes!