Well, I’m still writing like crazy. People tell me it’s cathartic to write out the painful experiences. Sometimes it is. Sometimes I feel so disconnected to the past abuse that it’s hard to believe it happened to me. Other times I can barely get the words out, and the story sounds stilted and proper. I can always tell what memories hurt the most. Usually they are the shortest on paper, written with broad strokes with hardly any detail.

The lovely thing about writing them down, the truly cathartic part, is seeing the puzzle pieces come together.  For so long I wondered, is it just me? Was I wrong? Maybe my parents were just having a hard time. Was I who they said I was?

I’ve heard abuse stories in the media, truly horrific stories that grabbed me by my heart and I couldn’t stand to hear more. In some ways it confused me and made me think of my own past with thoughts like, “It wasn’t that bad.”

Seeing my story written down validates me that, yes, it was that bad.  I’m finally giving myself permission to feel the emotions I had as a little girl that I wasn’t allowed to have then. I don’t want to live there, in those emotions. But it was so good for me to acknowledge the pain I went through alone. The pain I had to hide from everyone. The pain I was taught by my parents to accept as due punishment.

I can see how when I finally acknowledged it, the feeling of “No one understands,” started to dissipate. I wasn’t searching for someone to validate the abuse anymore.

I don’t know if you are searching for that yourself.  I’m here to tell you that pain isn’t measure by the events. If you felt neglected, unloved, or hurt, those feelings are valid. I can’t fix it for you because we all have our own journey from ashes to beauty. But I care. 

Just think of all you have accomplished still with a little bit of ashes in your life!  *Sappy Alert* You really are amazing!

So the question for today is- How old were you when you first realized that what was happening to you, or had happened to you was not okay? I’ve talked with people all over the spectrum. Some people knew as children that their parents had an anger/ emotional/ control problem.  It was part of their world in a way that they knew they had to protect themselves from it.

It wasn’t like that for me. I spent my childhood believing I was what was broken in the family.  I never connected the bruises to being my parent’s issues. I always felt like I deserved it, even when I wasn’t sure what I had done wrong.

It wasn’t until my baby shower with my first child that I even had a glimmer that it wasn’t me. My pastor’s wife came to my shower. She drove me home, and listened while I described my mom in glowing terms.  She looked at me for a second before saying quietly, “That’s not the person I met today.”

I was stunned at the time, and torn with a weird anger to protect my mom.  It took a long time for me to come to the truth. It still hurts actually, to realize you can’t make yourself loveable to someone no matter how you try.  

If, today, you have a hollow inside from not having your parents approval and love I just want to send you a hug. Maybe you feel like you should know better, because they’ve always treated you that way.  Remember that as kids, we are made to crave our parent’s love and approval.

Remember that the falling apart of the relationship is a consequence of their choice, not yours.

The beauty from the ashes is that as we get better, we are able to encourage other people in the same situation.  I think that’s what really moves us from a survivor to living a life full of joy.

Thank you for reading!!! It means a lot to me J

There is a scripture that talks about how God chose the despised and lowly things in this life, the things not wanted. That’s definitely what happened to me. He gave me value where I had been brainwashed to believe I had no value. He showed me love when I was convinced I didn’t deserve it. He found me, even though I wasn’t even looking for him at the time.

He loves you the same way.  You are his joy.  He’s not angry with you, and you haven’t failed. Even when we know God loves us, sometimes it’s still hard to believe he thinks good things about us because we know ourselves so well.

You are loved, and you rock! Have an amazing day.

Today is a new day, full of possibilities to see some beauty. And you are here reading this blog. J Let me stop writing for a sec to tell you that you are Ahhhmazing!! Ok, on to my new thoughts for the day…

So, I was thinking about this last night… how do I define child abuse? There is physical, emotional, and verbal abuse, but for me, the bottom line is how it makes the child feel.  The emotional fall out from child abuse are feelings of feeling unworthy, unloved, abandoned, tossed away, betrayed, a disappointment, scared, a failure, just trying to survive, helpless to make it better or escape, and hopelessness.

For me, recovery of child abuse is learning to live, not with those emotions, but without them. Which is a miracle in itself because they were such a big part of me.

I don’t know how other child abuse survivors do it, or how long it takes them to heal.  Not many people talk about it, we all go on with our lives. Which is a good thing!   I was rescued by God. I don’t know how to talk about God on a blog without sounding preachy, but I don’t mean it that way. It’s the simplest way to say how I learned I was loved, and it’s true.

Recovery for me has had its own fall out- having to have boundaries with my family, and the resulting cutting off of the relationship. I wonder how many other people are like me, who are cut off from their families.

So I am here today spreading the word- no matter where you are in dealing with your past, there are people who can relate with you and how you are feeling. You aren’t alone. Have a good day! *big hugs if you need one*

 

 

Good morning! Beautiful sunny day today. Yesterday I watched  The Secret Life of Mitty... it was a pretty good flick. I liked  the movie, but was the message that he gained value after he had all those adventures? Maybe I missed the message.

Ok, for something personal... I cried at the volcano scene. LOL I am kind of a dork and cry at everything. Truth is, my mom ran from me when I was a little kid in a car fire. I chased after her. She always told me she would never have come back from me. So when Mitty says "you came back for me," it just choked me up.

Laying my head on my husbands shoulder while watching the movie gave me beauty from ashes from that memory. I am blessed to have known love.

There is a saying that what doesn’t break you makes you stronger. Isn’t that so true. One of my favorite examples is a tree growing in a storm. The wind blows and the tree bows, but the roots go deep, and the tree stays standing.

I love that thought!

I’ve really been going over my past because of a project I am doing. It’s been exhausting and overwhelming at times to see my history all written out. For all of my life I’ve been use to either dealing with it in very small chunks, or listing my history in some non-emotional type of outline. But to dig into it, lay it out on the table, and remember what happened when….very overwhelming and painful.

 

But I feel the deep roots, and I am thankful. I wouldn't be here if God hadn't found me, and rescued me.