A new day-a new chance. Trying to live each day as authentically as I can. Life brings us through so many phases. I used to feel like I wore multiple hats--Mom hat, wife hat, friend hat-- all of these were who I was, but I slid in an out of different characteristics of them depending on who I was with. When I had four screaming kids around me, Mom hat was firmly in place. So much so, that when I'd get together with my friends and all our kids, I struggled because I still wore Mom hat. I so loved my time out with my friends without kids. That's when I really recharged. Can anyone relate to that?
And as the kids grow, I see another hat returning. One that is more "me," less about a job. Sort of like an old friend. I'm delving into new areas with conviction. What do I really believe? What really interests me? What are my fears, and are they really founded?
One thing that is consistently important to me is God, my family, and wanting to reach other people who are needing some encouragement. I love reminding people that they are amazing, valuable, talented, and way stronger then they realize.
So it's kind of cool in this season of life to get an opportunity to do that. I was on another blog radio talk show- the Parker J Cole show- .
In other news, I published the sequel in my fiction series, Out of the Wreckage. This series has been awesome for me to write.... I finally get to explore other people resolving painful pasts and moving forward.
Just another rambling post- my diary on line I suppose. :) Have a great day. ((((((big hug to anyone who needs one)))))))
Tuesday, November 10, 2015
Monday, November 2, 2015
Hard night tonight
So today I've come to vent. Do you ever feel like you need to vent, and don't know where to turn to? That's sort of where I'm at tonight.
I'm not a young woman. I'm in my 40's, and you'd think I'd have my stuff together. I've been able to raise (and raising) a beautiful family. I have amazing kids, awesome husband. I've seen what a healthy family looks like.
Ye, there's a part of me that's grieving. For some reason this part never really reared it's head while my kids were young. It's just been recently.
A weird loneliness and sadness over a lack of parents.
There are people my age who've lost their parents. My own dad passed a few years back.
But this is different. It's almost a grief about being cheated. I'm not trying to speak negatively about my parents, but I didn't have any, by their choice. I had pain, abuse, and rejection. I had a mom who sent me to foster care when I didn't do my chores right.
And for years I had to process and work through that pain and abuse. I've done pretty well, but what's left is this horrible grief.
I have friends who post about their parents on Facebook, and it's been like a kick in the teeth recently. I'm happy for them, makes me so thankful for the relationship they have with their parents. But I also see how they, also in their 40's, have had this long supportive accepting relationship with their parents.
I suddenly notice the real loss.
I miss having parents. Miss people and relationships that never existed for me.
Why am I sharing this? Because I need to tell someone. This kind of grief is a kind that no one ever really talks about. Abandonment is not like a death. It's a loss that I just have to keep inside. I know I will get passed this. I know God has a plan. But in the mean time, if there is anyone who can relate to me, just know I get it. It's a weird painful grief.
I'm not a young woman. I'm in my 40's, and you'd think I'd have my stuff together. I've been able to raise (and raising) a beautiful family. I have amazing kids, awesome husband. I've seen what a healthy family looks like.
Ye, there's a part of me that's grieving. For some reason this part never really reared it's head while my kids were young. It's just been recently.
A weird loneliness and sadness over a lack of parents.
There are people my age who've lost their parents. My own dad passed a few years back.
But this is different. It's almost a grief about being cheated. I'm not trying to speak negatively about my parents, but I didn't have any, by their choice. I had pain, abuse, and rejection. I had a mom who sent me to foster care when I didn't do my chores right.
And for years I had to process and work through that pain and abuse. I've done pretty well, but what's left is this horrible grief.
I have friends who post about their parents on Facebook, and it's been like a kick in the teeth recently. I'm happy for them, makes me so thankful for the relationship they have with their parents. But I also see how they, also in their 40's, have had this long supportive accepting relationship with their parents.
I suddenly notice the real loss.
I miss having parents. Miss people and relationships that never existed for me.
Why am I sharing this? Because I need to tell someone. This kind of grief is a kind that no one ever really talks about. Abandonment is not like a death. It's a loss that I just have to keep inside. I know I will get passed this. I know God has a plan. But in the mean time, if there is anyone who can relate to me, just know I get it. It's a weird painful grief.
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