Friday, December 26, 2014

Your Worth the Time to Smell the Roses

Merry Day After Christmas! :) Does your house look like mine? Torn bits of garbage left over from the paper blizzard/food fest.  I didn't jump right into cleaning it this morning. Instead, I sat in my comfy chair and listened to the radio. It's really come to my attention how busy I am.... not busy in a good way, but busy in the way that I'm always thinking, doing, trying to figure out things. My mind is never still. Even when I pray my mind is thinking about this or that.

Yesterday when I tried this, a Christmas carol came on the radio, one of those old fashioned ones. It reminded me of being a little girl listening to an old song as a child and being enchanted.  It was easy for me to 'stop and smell the roses' back then. Even during the hard times.

I let the old deep baritones wash over me, and relaxed deeper into the chair.  I felt like God was with me, and this was a different type of prayer. Just spending time with him, enjoying the gifts he's given.

Today was still as struggle to sit and be quiet. I had to make myself sit in the chair, and tell myself over and over to JUST STOP.

And I started to hear the words of the song. It's weird, I've heard the words a million times, but never actually listened to them, if that makes sense.  The song is by Brandon Heath, and I'll post the lyrics below if you want to read them.

They spoke to me. In the midst of the busyness of my mind is still the undercurrent of "Do better, be better. What am I missing?"

Here's the lyrics:
I felt it first when I was younger

A strange connection to the light

I tried to satisfy the hunger

I never got it right

I never got it right

So I climbed a mountain and built an altar

Looked out as far as I could see

And everyday I'm getting older

I'm running outta dreams

I'm running outta dreams

But your love

Your love

The only the thing that matters is your love

Your love is all I have to give

Your love is enough to light up the darkness

It's your love

Your love

All I ever needed is your love

You know the effort I have given

And you know exactly what it cost

And though my innocence was taken

Not everything is lost

Not everything is lost no

You're the hope in the morning

You're the light when the night is falling

You're the song when my heart is singing

It's your love

You're the eyes to the blind man

You're the feet to the lame man walking

You're the sound of the people singing

It's your love.

Friday, December 12, 2014

Some thoughts about Christmas

Wow, isn't it incredible? I mean something to God. He knows who I am, this tiny speck of a person, who lives on a tiny blue speck spinning in blackness. He knows my thoughts and fears, talents, hopes and dreams, and he cares.

I talk to him a lot at  night. It's in the darkness that I feel the smallest and my anxieties and questions the loudest. What I love about him is that I can come with every question and thought and he accepts me.  That's a big thing to realize, I don't have to be fake for him to love me.

Somehow, in the midst of every fear I've struggled with, he has brought peace.

When I look up at the stars the vastness of the universe overwhelms me; seriously. My husband can look at them for hours and feel inspired. They make me feel small.  But it was with a star that God highlighted the message brought by the angel,"Do not be afraid; for behold, I bring you good news of great joy which will be for all the people; for today in the city of David there has been born for you a Savior, who is Christ the Lord.…"

Don't you love how God always reminds us of that? "Don't be afraid. I've come to take away your fears, and replace them with my perfect love." He knows us, gets that we worry and have fears. He knows that fear robs our peace, and wants to remind us He cares about us.

Today I read a beautiful thought;

Know that you were formed by God's hands, dreamed in his heart and place in this world for a purpose.

Hope you all have a good weekend as we move closer to celebrating the day that he came to take away our fear, and show us his love.

Thursday, December 4, 2014

Old/New Post

Can I cheat a little bit? I wrote a post at the beginning of the year that's close to my heart, and I wanted to share it again. Especially with the end of the year approaching, and New Year's resolutions staring us in the face.

Sometimes, do you ever feel like you are circling around and around the same mountain? Like you think you were making progress, only to be dragged back into it again? “hey, been here done that…”

One thing I’ve discovered is that nearly everyone goes through this. You most certainly aren’t alone.  

I have felt that way more times then I can tell you.  I will battle something down, and revel in that small thrill of victory… and then bam! It comes flying back into my lap for me to deal with again. I felt like a failure, and wonder why can’t I get passed this (over-come it, deal with it whatever the situation is.)

Certain “mountains” seem more condemning than others if I feel like I don’t have success with it. It used to bother me before that I was still dealing with issues from my childhood memories.  I grew up with being told that what’s happened is done, pick yourself up and brush yourself off. Pull yourself up by your bootstraps.  You can’t blame everything on your parents.

All those things are true, and yet they aren’t absolute.  I can’t blame everything on my parents. I have my own free will now. I don’t want to live a life as a victim.

I also am not a book; turn the page and the story moves on.  Sometimes what feels like going around the mountain is really just dealing with the same situation at a different level.

That sounds so simple, doesn’t it? But it’s easier to say “What’s wrong with me that I can’t get passed this?” then to take a minute and say, “Wow, I am recognizing things a little differently here.  I have made steps, even if they seem small compared to the emotions I’m facing right now.”

Whenever I face my mountain again, it’s my time to trot out what I have learned. It’s my time to speak the truth to the mountain, despite what my emotions are feeling. The things I speak are-

1)    God got me this far, he’s going to get me the rest of the way.

2)    Despite how I feel, I am deeply loved, even if the only one I can count is God- He’s not angry with me. He will never leave me.

3)    I have not failed, I am still learning.

4)    This moment will pass.

5)There will be beauty from ashes from this situation.

 Maybe you are facing a mountain today, or feel like you’ve gone around it before.  Hang in there.  You are making progress, even if you don’t see it. It will get better. I am a firm believer that we get to encourage others from the strength and encouragement we gain as we face our mountains.  Even if you feel weak now, one day you will be encouraging someone else!


Hi Everyone! Just a quick note today to say that Lost No More, the sequel to Ghost No More (my own personal story), is on sale for .99 on Amazon for the next few days! Thank you so much for your support. I respond to every note and email and I appreciate them so much. You all encourage me as much as I'd hope to encourage you! :)

Have a great day. Weekend is almost here!
Here's some links if you want to check them out. Thank you again!

Saturday, November 15, 2014

Sharing my heart.....

Hi everybody! I had an amazing weekend so far. I had a wonderful opportunity to speak at a women's event today. This message is so important to me, I wanted to share it with you all too.
It’s just some simple truths.   Truth is precious and often we disregard it about ourselves.

 I want to tell you that you are valuable

This burns in my heart so strongly. I feel like I’m saying this personally to each one of you.

You are valuable.

You are needed.

You are important, and vital.

You may have heard opposite in your life.

From parents, the media, from your family, or peers

You aren’t the negative things that anyone has ever said about you.

We don’t realize sometimes how those negative words are spinning around in the background of our mind.

Influencing how we think about ourselves.
There was a time I thought I had ugly hair, because someone once told me that.
Every time I'd look in the mirror I'd feel like, "Meh..."

My husband thought for a long time that he couldn’t read well because his teacher told him  once when he was little.

that wasn’t true.

You are valuable.

You may have even told yourself the opposite.

Maybe even today.

You may walk around doubting yourself, wondering things like

“Why’d I say that? Why’d I do that? How come I’m not like everyone else?

How come they have it together, and I don’t”

Maybe never feeling good enough.

But this is the truth.

You are valuable.

We need you,

this world needs you.

You, just as you are.

You may be searching for that special  gift that you bring,

Wondering, what is it? What do I have that makes me different from everyone else?

Because you don’t see it in yourself.

But we see it.

Its you being you.

You don’t have to work at being good enough,

You don’t have to work at getting it right to be needed.

You get to be just who you are.

Because the way you are made automatically blesses the people around you

You are put together uniquely in such a way,

That You being You is what makes you the most happy

and brings the most to the people around you.

You’re a piece of the puzzle

That we need for the picture.

We all know what it’s like to put together a puzzle

And right in the center there’s that one missing piece.

No other piece is going to fit in that spot.
And the picture isn't finished without it.

Each piece is uniquely made

Just as we are,

So that we can fit together.

Yes, you might fall down

You might only see your failures, and  the ways you could do it better

You might feel like you’re trying as hard as you can to get it right

To be a good person

You might feel like you are going around and around the mountain trying to overcome the
stumbling block, or whatever it is that you are battling your life

And you might feel like you aren’t making progress.

I just want you to know I care.

I get it.
I've been there!

And remind you this life isn’t about arriving, it’s about the journey

Even though you can’t see it, you are making progress,

You will make it.

Going up the side of a mountain is about switchbacks,

Not going straight up.

God is with you, he hears you. He knows you.

He values you.

He’s glad you are here, and that he made you.

He’s glad you’re YOU.

He doesn’t want it any other way.

You haven’t failed him.

He understands we are made of dust.

He gets it

Gets us

He understands our fears

He knows what makes you tick, and why you think the way you do.

He has a plan to rescue us and bring beauty from the very ashes we see around us today.

You are beautiful, right now.

You aren’t the words you say to yourself

You are wanted, and desired.


You make God happy

And where you see failure and lack

Where you see you’re not good enough

He sees you full of promise, and a little girl with a tender heart.

He loves you

He adores you

He’s so glad you are here.

And every time you reach for his hand, every time

You make him smile.

He will never let go of your hand


Not because He is God and he has to be there for you,

But because he doesn’t want to let go

Doesn’t want to let go of his precious girl

He will never lose you, never forsake you, always fight for you,

He will stand with you with every battle you are in

and face it with you.

You will never be alone.

He will rejoice over your with triumph.

And wrap you in his love.

This is what God says about his children

Song of Solomon 4:7   You are altogether beautiful, my love; there is no flaw in you.

And for the part of us that wants to point out our flaws, there’s this scripture

Hebrews 10: 14 For by one sacrifice he has made perfect forever those who are being made holy.

Your flaws don’t scare God.

There is a banner you wear above you every day.





Perfect forever

Being made Holy

It’s not a feeling

It’s a truth.

It’s time that we remind ourselves of the truth Whether we feel it’s true or not.

Truth isn’t a feeling.

2+2=4 doesn’t make me happy

Or sad.

Truth isn’t an emotion.

It’s just truth.

Hang on to the truth

Hang on to the banner over your head.

Hang on to God’s hand.

Be kind to yourself in your thoughts.

Watch for the negative things you might say,

And remind yourself what God says about you.


You are valuable.

Just the way you are made.

Wednesday, October 29, 2014

Survivor- One step at a time

I don't know how many of you watch, or follow Honey Boo-Boo. This TV show has been in the news recently because of the topic of sexual abuse.

It's stirred things up in me. I wanted to address this personal topic, even though it's scary for me to share.

Having survived and healed from sexual abuse myself, it breaks my heart whenever I hear about anyone else going through it.  For me, it was one of the darkest, most confusing roads I've been on emotionally. I felt like it was my fault. I had no one to turn to. I felt broken, like something was wrong with me.

I think one of the worse parts of this type of abuse is when no one steps in to protect the victim. This seems like it happens in many ways. In my case, my mom told me it didn't happen, it was my fault, and then went out of her way to leave me alone with him from that point on.

In my friend's case, she was told to forgive and forget.

In another friend's case, she kept silent because she feared it would destroy her family.

I kept it silent too, from the rest of the family except for my parents. I thought I was protecting the family. That is a hard secret to keep.

I don't know if this will help anyone, but there is a Christian support group that deals with sexual abuse. There aren't any cliché pat answers given at this site. It's real people dealing with real thoughts and triggers.

Even if you've heard it a thousand times, let me tell you again....
It wasn't your fault. You are beautiful, inside and out.
I'm so sorry this happened to you.
I know this is hard.
You are strong. You Will Get through this.
You aren't alone. I don't have all the answers, and words seem puny in the face of this pain, but I care.

((((((((((((((((((((((((((big hug)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Thursday, October 2, 2014

A letter~

I just wrote my kids a letter, and want to share it with you. If you've never had a parent say this to you, I'm saying it to you! :) Have a good day!~

A reminder to my kids: You four are such a blessing to me. I remember your first smiles, your first steps, and how, even as youngsters, you seemed to walk through life slowly to appreciate the wonder.

One thing became pretty clear early on; you’re your own person. With your own strengths, dreams, hopes, and struggles.

I want to remind you that you are “fearfully and wonderfully,” uniquely made. Sometimes we spend too much time trying to fix ourselves and “do it the right wa...y.” Sometimes, no matter how hard you try, you’ll feel like you can never get it right. Take a deep breath. It’s okay to not have it all figured out and just take life one step at a time. It’s okay to look messy at times.

Condemnation will always look for an opportunity to tell you that you’ve failed. But I want to tell you that you’re qualified for this journey, and remind you that the things you see as weaknesses in yourself are some of your greatest attributes. Sometimes we might need a little balance in those areas. That’s not failure, that’s being human. I’m pretty wobbly myself at times, and am convinced it takes a lifetime to learn that balancing act.

Remember, it’s not other people’s opinions that qualify you. The one who calls you HIS does.
One thing I’m learning is that the more we realize how much God loves us, the more it will push back the fear that wants to knock us down.

God has given us this incredible gift and adventure in life to experience and share joy, hope and growth. I’m so glad we get to share it together. You might not see the impact you have today, but it’s there, just by being YOU. The things that you do that add to this world come natural to you- it’s just the way you are made.
I’m so glad you are here. I love you!
Love, your mother who is still learning

Thursday, September 18, 2014

My Book- Ghost No More- Thank you so much!

Hi everyone. *sets out a plate of fresh-baked chocolate chip cookies*  :) I know it's been a while! This last month has felt a bit like treading water for me. Lots of good and some confusion.

Writing my hubby's book really helped me put some distance between me and my past that I didn't realize I needed.  After having to pull all of those memories out of me I guess I was kind of stuck with them.  But even that was good, because some how writing them out diffused the pain.

I wrote the book to help other people, but now I can see how much it's helped me. If you've ever thought about writing out your past, I encourage you to do it, if this is the right time and season. :)  There's no rush, if this isn't the right season.

I remember being scared to write Ghost No More out because I felt like I wasn't being forgiving. But finally I realized, it's just the truth, as best as I can tell it, not a blame game.

I was scared to face the trauma, from one end to the other. It was so difficult to write out. Of course, I'd shared bits and pieces with my friends through the years, but not all at once, not like this. Even when I shared with my friends, somehow I distanced myself from it, almost as if I were talking about someone else.

I was scared to feel the memories.

I was also scared to have it on my computer, in case my kids should for some reason stumble upon it.

My last fear stemmed from: "Don't tell anyone the family secret." I am a grown woman, and I had No idea how deeply rooted that rule was inside of me until the week before I published.  Huge shame and fear hit me. 
Most authors are happy when they publish.

I cried.

But now, blessed freedom!

So now I am wondering what I should do next. Just sort of spinning my wheels, thinking, and praying. Oh, and quilting. LOL I am sewing a quilt that I have thus far feel like I've sewn twice because of all the seams I've had to rip out.

Just want to say thank you for reading this journal, and sharing with me this part of my journey. I hope all is good in your world, and you are continuing to see beauty from your ashes.

((((((((((((((((big hugs to anyone who needs one)))))))))))))))))

Friday, August 1, 2014

Ahh time is going fast and my blog has been neglected Where have I been? I've been editing like crazy! I am super excited because book 2 should be released within the next few days.


This one is called Lost No More, and it's super special to me, because this one is from my husband's point of view, and his journey.

A lot of relationships and marriages today are made from two broken people, and what they've overcome, or are trying to overcome.  Relationships aren't easy, and it's not just because we are 2 different people. A lot of us, maybe most of us have old tapes, old words that get hit in our new relationships. It takes time to sort that all out.

One thing that I remind myself when fighting with my spouse is that he isn't my enemy. I'll even tell him that out loud, to remind the both of us-lol.

Since I'm already rabbit trailing, here is my other best marriage tool: Do-overs.  Sometimes we get into fights and I have no idea how we ended up where we are. Rather than try to sort it out and work it through, one of us will just call for a Do-over. It really helps.

Lost No More isn't about marriage, but about a journey one boy took to find truth. I'm going to have it on sale the first week it's out to thank all of my readers who've been such a great support to me!

Thanks for reading my messy blog, and have a great day!

Monday, July 14, 2014

Why I do what I do

Have you ever been asked that? "Why do you do what you do?"  I recently came across the question, "why do you write?" I felt the question reach right inside of me. Why do I write, why do I blog? The answer flew off my finger tips without any hesitation. 

I write because I have something inside that builds up pressure until it busts out. I write because I know what it feels like not to have hope; no matter how differently we all believe- I want to connect, validate and encourage people. I write because I have been swallowed by pain, confusion, and fear, and I don't want anyone in that place to stand alone. I write because I don't have a magic wand to make anyone feel better, I just have my story.
I write because for so long I was told it was just me, my fault, if only I could be better, or change, or different, then someone would love me. Those "if only's..." ruled me, and I tried so hard to live by them. I know the failure of failed relationships no matter how hard I tried to be different.

I write to remind everyone who reads my words..... You aren't what someone has ever said about you that's negative. You aren't going around and around the mountain with no hope of change. You are worth love.

So I'll keep writing, even if after a while my words sound like a broken record. I can't say it enough. You are amazing, you are needed, you are meant to be alive at this moment, time, and place. 

(((((((((((((((((big hug to those who need it))))))))))))))))))
Hope you have a great day!

Thursday, July 10, 2014


Hi everyone! Are you enjoying the summer? I'm loving it so far.... as long as I have a fan nearby. haha. For the first time ever I have blueberries on the bush outside. The bad news is that the birds have discovered it too. There was the fattest robin I'd ever seen picking berries off!

Did you all have a good fourth of July? My husband, kids, and I went to a local park and watched the neighborhoods all around us shoot them off. I have a love/hate thing about fireworks. They are beautiful, but I've spent many years stressing and worrying about my kids getting hurt. I've had to deal with burns,  and things landing in their eyes. That's where the hate part comes in. And every year the kids want it bigger and better.

Plus, the penny pincher in me thinks, wow, you could buy a car with the money all these fireworks cost.

I think that makes me a scrooge. But I really do think they are beautiful.

It also makes me thankful that I can enjoy the holiday with my kids. In all the hustle and bustle and pressure of "make sure you get it right," it's easy to overlook the victories. My victory is my relationship with my kids. It might look messy at times, but my kids know I love and value them. I feel so thankful for that.

So today, I want to challenge you to find your victories. You have them. They might  not look like anyone elses. But take a second and acknowledge them. Life is so quick to throw at us where we fail, and where we can do better. It will hardly ever throw at you what you've done right. You have to do that for yourself.

"Love others as you love yourself."

The "Love other's" part is the part that tells us where we can do better, do more, didn't get it right.

The "love ourself" part is the part I forget about. I forget to be kind to myself, and how I think about myself.  But, I noticed the kinder I am to myself, it overflows in to my daily attitude about life in general.

Thanks for reading my daily ramblings. It helps me to write it out. I'm going to spend the day looking at my victories, big or small.  Have a good day!

Sunday, June 29, 2014

New Book

Happy Fourth of July everyone! Do you have plans? Mine are pretty simple this year. We are going to watch the town's firework display from the back hatch of the car. Maybe I'll buy a sparkler. LOL

In other news, I've been writing like crazy and my sequel is going great. It's going through editing right now. Editing can be a bear, but there is a tentative date to publish in August! Wooohoooo! I am really excited about this one. Hope you all like it!

To break up my writing (aka sitting all day) I thought I'd clean the carpet.  Our cleaner recently broke, so I decided to use this powder you scrub in the carpet. OH MY gosh..... It took 2 hours to scrub the carpet. By the time I vacuumed I hardly cared any more if it was clean or not.

It turned out okay.... I don't recommend it.

Well, that's my  news for today. Have a safe Independence Day!

Tuesday, June 24, 2014

Some Phone Number Resources

Today I am sad. I was reading a forum filled with story after story of adults still suffering from the effects of abuse. It breaks my heart to hear how much long-term pain is caused by someone else's choice. I wish I had answers, or a magic wand to take the pain away.

All I can say is, you aren't alone.

I can easily imagine people saying, "Where was God when this happened?" I don't have an answer for that.  All I have is my story, what's happened to me and what I've experienced.

Since I've turned 17 it's been a fight to be healed, to live a normal life, to get over the pain and effects of what happened. I may always carry the scars on me. Even physically, I have a burn scar and my jaw isn't normal. Emotionally, I still have to fight fear.

But, I've seen enough beauty from my ashes to expect to see more beauty.  I know it can feel like the tide will never turn, but it is. Sometimes it's hard to tell just when the ocean tide begins to recede. You can stand on the beach and wonder, is the tide going in or out? Sometimes it's slow.

I can't say it enough... YOU are a blessing. I'm glad you're here.

God loves you. You are unique. He has a plan to bring you hope and a future.

I know my posts might not be very helpful, but they are from my heart. I'm not a professional, and can't give any advice that way. Here are a few other resources I've found. You are worth the fight for happiness.

United States Suicide Hotline: 1-800-SUICIDE (1-800-784-2433)
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255)
Deaf hotline - 1-800-799-4TTY (1-800-799-4889

RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network) - 1-800-656-HOPE (1-800-656-4673)af hotline - 1-800-799-4TTY (1-800-799-4889)

Friday, June 20, 2014

Shout-Out to one of my favorite books!

Hey, Happy Friday! Hope you all have a relaxing weekend coming up!

I was talking with a young man today about some discouragement he is going through. It reminded me of how many people struggle with feeling condemned. That crappy feeling makes us feel we will never "get there." "Why would God love me anyway? I don't do anything right?"

So, without further ado, here is one of my favorite books. It's called He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not

I really appreciated this book. It reminded me that I'm not alone in the way I feel. People all around me are struggling with the same stuff, even if they don't show it.  We all mess up. Every single day. It's part of being human.

This book talks about the cycle condemnation puts us through. One minute everything is good in life, God loves us, we are doing ok... and the next, Bam! We feel like we failed, we did something that is unfixable, or we ruined something.

If you feel like this, ((((((((((((((((((Big hug))))))))))))))))))))) You aren't alone. God loves you so much. He has a plan to bring beauty even out of this. It's going to work out. You're going to be okay.

Check out the book! I think you can read a good sample right on your computer if you click the cover. Have a good weekend!

Sunday, June 15, 2014

You are important

Fathers day is a special, weird, amazing day. For those of you who are fathers, whether young, old,  step, adopted, mentor, near or far... Happy Fathers Day.

It's a strange day for those of us who have weird issues with our dads. I miss my dad, who died before he reconciled with me. He'd disowned me at one point, and that really sucked.  I had to realize it was his issues... if it were up to me we would have had a great relationship. I'm not trying to disrespect him when I share this. My parents had divorced when I was young. My dad disowned me over a misunderstanding over a time I, now an adult, planned to come over for a visit. 

Hurting people hurt people. I've heard that saying many times, and felt the pain from that truth.

You know, I wrote my story for a few reasons. I wrote it to validate everyone out there who had a painful upbringing.  If I could, I'd give every one who was hurt in their past a big hug, and tell them they are valuable. I know that feeling of not knowing how to categorize a sucky childhood that left a negative impact on me that took years to get over. I know that struggle. I want other people who've gone through similar pain to know they are worth the struggle to heal.

I wrote it for another reason too. I was unwanted, and I can't help but share how God saved me. I don't say this to invalidate anyone's beliefs. I feel compelled to share it because it's how I became whole again. I was unwanted by both of my parents. I felt orphaned as an adult. God gave me a new name- precious, wanted, planned for daughter. Suddenly, I had a father. Those words changed my life.

No matter where you are in life, I'm glad you're here.

Ok, phew. Well, here are a few of my favorite, validating words....

 "I will be a Father to you, and you will be my sons and daughters, says the Lord Almighty."
2 Cor 6:18

For we know, brothers and sisters loved by God, that he has chosen you

1Thes 1:4

For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life. For God did not send the Son into the world to judge the world, but that the world might be saved through Him.

John 3:16-17

The Spirit you received does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again; rather, the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship. And by him we cry, "Abba, Father."
(Abba means Daddy)

Romans 9:4

No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Romans 8:37-39

Wednesday, June 4, 2014

Sexual Abuse Awareness

My friend, Leslie said this the other day- " Considering awareness...breast cancer affects 1 in 8 women, depression affects 1 in 4, and sexual abuse/rape 1 in 3. I think it is time for more awareness about what a serious problem sexual assault and rape are."
I'm desperate for the healing of all three. I'm also reminded that it's not always about the event that happened, it's the deep wounds it leaves behind. This is my small attempt at bringing awareness.

There is no shame, and it wasn't your fault. You aren't alone. (((((((Big hug to anyone who needs it)))))))

I am a member of this blog- if it can help anyone...

Monday, June 2, 2014

Fear is the Memory of Pain

Today I read a great thought- Fear is the memory of pain.

What do you think of that? I can easily see how my fear is connected to my memories of past pain. So the next question is, how do I over-come that fear?

I've heard that some fear is good; don't touch the stove or you will get burned. But is it possible that even that fear is a trap? Like maybe it would be better to call that learned wisdom, instead of fear.

Because fear for me always has a negative effect on me. Wisdom never does. Wisdom is empowering, fear is a bondage that hold me back.

Actually, now that I'm writing this, I don't think fear protects us from anything. It keeps us in a state of agitation, stress, nervousness, or even panicky. The more fear I experience, the more I shut down.

Wisdom is something that builds on itself in a positive way. It opens doors.

I think that's true even for God. I used to fear him. Maybe I still do, because He is still largely unknown. All I really know about him is that he loves. But the deeper I press in, the more he loves, and shows me he accepts me. If I fear him, fear punishment, I just want to run.

I think in a healthy family relationship, with a healthy dad, we can understand who God is a little more. Dads are suppose to love their little girls. Their daughters are their princesses. Daddy's love their little girls in a way that enables the daughters to be who they really are. They protect them, encourage them, listen to them, and are proud of them. I've been blessed to see my husband be a wonderful dad.

It's not what I experienced from a father. But I don't want fear to connect the memories of past pain to inhibit me from knowing love now.  I can exercise some wisdom now instead.

Ahh my blog is more of a wandering through my thoughts..... Hope your thoughts are good today! have a great week-

Monday, May 26, 2014

Humbled by Your Support

I have been humbled to tears by the support my readers have given me the last few days.  I woke up to a beautiful review on my face book page.  Knowing that my story has an effect on other people is my beauty from all those ashes.  It's such an honor.

Yesterday, Ghost No More was #9 in Amazon's non-fiction. I mean, WOW! It's sinking now, but I am completely thrilled for the rating it achieved. It's already toppled any goals I ever had for it, and I am incredibly grateful.

I poured out in this book, hoping to encourage other readers that nothing any one has ever said about you that was negative is true. You are worth love, and you are loved! You might not see that right now, but you will one day. You are needed in this world.

God loves you. He has seen your pain. He has a plan for a way out.  He has a plan to give you hope and a future.

((((((((((((((big hug )))))))))))))))))))))

Tuesday, May 20, 2014

I just returned from the Grand Canyon. Wow... words can't describe what I saw. It was so massive it sent zings down my spine every time I looked into it. I had to look away to give myself a break every few minutes. I've never seen a picture that comes close to representing how amazing it is. 

The platforms were crowded with people, but all the sounds were muted because the canyon's depth just swallowed up noise.

The colors were incredible. Layer after layer of brilliant, contrasting colors woven like a Native Indian blanket.

Across from my platform where I clung white knuckled to the metal fencing was a huge peak. Below it was another peak that was really the top of an enormous mountain.

The fence was secured right at the edge of the canyon cliff.  When the other tourists leaned over it to look down I had to look away.  A few spots on the edge are lined only with huge, flat boulders. My husband wanted to take my picture while sitting on  one. I perched on the edge like a bird, ready to fly off, while feeling whiffs of the canyon breeze at my back.


Have you ever been there? What famous places have you visited?

Friday, May 9, 2014

Wow, when it rains it pours. Even with good things! Thank you Leslie for your blog book review of Ghost No More. I'm so happy you loved it, and saw the beauty from all the ashes.

Sorry for posting again, it's just so exciting!

Also, Ghost No More can be borrowed for free for Amazon prime members. If you are a member, and want to check it out, here's the link.

I'm planning on having a sale the third week of May (.99), so if you want to purchase it, you might want to wait until then. You can read the first 4 chapters for free with the "sneak preview." If this book is something you feel like could help you, and you can't afford it, let me know. I will see what I can do!

Have a great weekend everyone!

Monday, April 28, 2014

This is going to be a different post than usual.

Tonight I am sitting in my living room praying.  It's one of those prayers that doesn't have to do with a specific need or desire. It's deeper. It's about needing Him.

Because I know myself. I know how I fail others. I know how I can judge, and get frustrated. I know how I am not as patient as I should be. I see how selfish I can be.

Tonight I heard a pastor speak about the prodigal son. He talked about how he was always thinking that he was either one son or the other. Either he had it kind of together, and was the good son, or he was a total failure, and was the bad son.

So, tonight, I was praying specifically about that. I can relate.

Now, mind you, I know we can't earn our way to heaven. I understand it's a free gift from Jesus. But, even after all these years of being a Christian, I am still learning what it means to be loved, covered, and wanted despite my many flaws.

To make up for my flaws, there is a part of me that feels like I should be doing "something." And that "something" looks a lot like acting perfectly.

When I have a good week, I feel like am doing that "something." I feel like I am starting to get my act together and figure it out.

When I have a bad week I feel like I'm never going to "get it right" no matter how hard I try.

Tonight, as I prayed I felt like the Lord highlighted to me (and I am not saying, "thus sayeth the Lord." This is just the feeling I got) that the father in the prodigal story was equally close to both of his sons. The father was just waiting for both of his sons to turn and see how loved they were.

Because, in the story, the "good" son has moments of resentment when the "bad" son returns home. The father rushes down the street to grab the "bad" son up in a hug.  The "good" son doesn't feel appreciated, and the father tells him (paraphrased) "Don't you realize all I have is yours?"

And the "bad" son returned home feeling overwhelmed with guilt and desperation, and was also completely unprepared for his father's love.

I don't get it yet, but what I felt was that God isn't expecting me to be good. He is expecting me to turn to him, and let him be my covering, because he loves me. This is why it's good news.

Sometimes good news can be unbelievable. I remember when I first found out I was pregnant, I couldn't believe it. Sometimes, rather than believe good news I worry that it will get yanked away somehow. For example, if we planned a trip I'd worry it would get rained out, or delayed.

Good news can be hard for me to accept.  I'm thinking that instead of worrying if I am doing it "right or wrong" I might just try to keep my eyes on the one who says this.....Romans 8:31-37 (So amazing. I am trying to grasp this!!)

What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. Who then is the one who condemns? No one. Christ Jesus who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written:

“For your sake we face death all day long;

  we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.”

 No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Saturday, April 19, 2014

Happy Resurrection Day! Happy Easter! This day is the reason I have hope.

Because of what Jesus did for me I am free from guilt and shame.  I am completely forgiven.

Romans 4:25 He was delivered over to death for our sins and was raised to life for our justification.

*and my favorite promise...*

Hebrews 10:14 For by one sacrifice he has made perfect forever those who are being made holy.

We all screw up, but he sees us as his precious children; someone worth dying for.

He loves me.

He loves you!

Sunday, April 13, 2014

Sunday is winding down, a new week is starting.

It's a gift.

And you are a gift to it.

Somehow this week, someone will be affected positively by something you say or do. You might not even know when you do it. It might be a smile you give, or letting them merge ahead of you on the highway, or holding open a door. It might be something completely accident, that happens just because your you.

You are made for great things.  But great things don't always look great, sometimes they look small, insignificant, and unnoticed.

Like a mustard seed, which eventually grows into a tree. Or any seed for that matter. Something great often starts in the tiniest ways.

So if you don't see your mark this week, don't worry. You're still planting seeds. :) :)

Tuesday, April 8, 2014

Wow! Today I woke to great news! An editor from sent me an email saying they were doing a spotlight on my book, Ghost No More, tomorrow! I am super excited and honored. I hope it reaches a lot of people that need encouragement.

~~~~Dancing the happy dance~~~~~~

Thank you God!

I should write more, but I think I am still stunned. 

I will tell you, every time I hear from my readers it's my beauty from ashes. Just so thankful for each one of you who take the time to write me.

Ok, let me leave you with this, in case you didn't hear it today....

You are beautiful!
I'm glad you are alive and here.

(((((((((((big hug to those who need it)))))))))))))))))

Have a great day. :)

Wednesday, April 2, 2014

Good morning everyone! I hope you are having a great day today. 

So, I want to get back to an earlier thought about going around and around the mountain. I can't tell you how many times I've felt like I was doing that. If you read back, you can even see me mentioning  that way just a few posts ago.

When I describe going around the mountain, I am describing facing the same situation over and over, and feeling like I'm not making progress. It can be doubt, misunderstanding, condemnation, forgiveness, frustration. It feels like I am not going to "get over" that obstacle no matter how hard I try.

I was watching a travel show not too long ago. They were climbing up a desert mountain in sweltering conditions. They could only climb it in switchbacks, because going straight up would kill them by dehydration. At times, they could practically reach down and touch where they were just a step below, even though they had walked a zig-zag. So, even though the back and forth seemed like very little progress, it expended less energy and got them to their goal.

It reminded me that what felt like going around the mountain was more like a tight spiral. Sure, I might not be able to see a difference in myself the first 8 times (ha!) I pass the same situation, but eventually I will. There are small changes being made in me, so that as I come across the same situation I have grown, I do have new insight, God is healing me, and I respond instead of react.

If you feel like you are going around the mountain, consider maybe it's a spiral. Even if it looks messy now, keep hanging on. God loves you immensely no matter where you are.

Wednesday, March 26, 2014

Spring has sprung.  It always starts inside the house, I don't know why. Suddenly, my house feels stuffy, looks crowded, and the windows all jump out at me to be cleaned. I see junk everywhere, and have this overwhelming urge to throw it all out.  Clutter seems like it multiplied overnight, and mocks me from shelves, cupboards, dressers and closets. Ahhhhh!

Time to clear things out and take multiple visits to Good Will to drop things off. Why do we have an old lollypop ring under the couch? Who stuffed all these papers on this shelf? How did every single pen in the junk drawer run out of ink?

The clothing in the closets seemed to have conspired to shrink on the same day. A million socks ran away, leaving their poor twin to roam either in the laundry room or on the floor of the kids rooms. The space under the beds has become a breeding ground of chaos. I don't even dare to look under the kids beds without being armed with at least a broom handle.

I must visit Costco and buy paper towels, windex, and dusters. I should add carpet cleaning solution to the list, mopping solution, and industrial strength garbage bags.


I need a cup of coffee to contemplate the task of spring cleaning. Maybe a cookie.

Tuesday, March 18, 2014

Here's another "going around the mountain" thread from me. Around and around I go, trying to learn the same lesson over and over. The lesson this time-respond instead of react.

I can't seem to get this down.  I'm trying to count to 10 in my head before I say anything. When I do that, it goes much better, and I don't say anything I have to apologize for later.

Uggggh trying....

For those of you who can hold in what you think- bravo. I am impressed.

Sunday, March 16, 2014

Hi everybody! I'm sorry it's been a while since I posted. Real life happening, trying to get my book in gear, and not knowing what to say has kept me from here.

Life sometimes can get so busy you don't even realize how much time has past. This blog kind of freaks me out, because it will tell me how long since I last posted. Then it feels like something I am failing at, rather than a place to vent or share.

It's weird how easy it is to feel like I've failed at something. I wonder if everyone is like that? It's like I hold impossibly high standards for myself that I don't hold others too, and yet they don't feel impossibly high, but as though I should be able to achieve them.

I'm not sure if this comes from feeling like I was unable to please my parents, no matter how hard I tried.  In the end, I want truth to come in to that place.

Feeling like I am failing is living under condemnation, no matter how subtle the feeling is. It's not a place I want to be. If I am honest with myself, I can see that when I am in the place of impossible standards I do expect more out of the people around me. It's harder to give grace and acceptance.

I swear, so much of my life's lessons is about love. In this moment I see, "love others as you love yourself."

One way I can see to love myself right now, is to stop the negative self-talk. Quit talking worse about myself then other people do.

I'm going to have to think about this for a while. Life is about learning, right? Have a good week everyone!

Thursday, March 6, 2014

Spring can't come fast enough! Do you have any bulbs blooming where you're at? I bought some from Costco, but they aren't doing too well. I have a purple thumb (or whatever the opposite of green is lol)

Right now I am reading two books on my kindle- the Postman (David Brin), and Neverwhere (by Neil Gaiman.) Anyone read those? What do you read your books on? Nook? Kindle? Tablet? Or regular paperback?

I never thought I'd get use to it, but now I love my kindle. It makes it very easy to switch between books, and I like the option of buying one whenever I want to.

So, for all of you buried still in snow, I'm sorry. For those of you having warm sunny days.... ugggh (enjoy them for me!) I'm still waiting for my crocus to bloom.  :)

Have a good day!

Sunday, March 2, 2014

Good morning! Wow I am sooo ready for winter to be over. Come on Spring!! Costco had a vase of tulip bulbs, and I splurged and bought it for my kitchen table.  They are pink and white, so lovely!

In the meantime my car windows are frozen over and need to be scraped. UGH Still, it's not as bad here as it in the other states. This has been the winter of SNOW!

In other news, I mentioned a scripture a few weeks back that really encouraged me. For a long time I didn't feel like I "fit in" with everyone else. I felt like I was less than everyone, or had trouble connecting with people. In my mind everyone else had it together more than I did. So I searched up the scripture, and here it is;

1 Corinthians 1:27
But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. God chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things—and the things that are not—to nullify the things that are, so that no one may boast before him.

Even if I didn't feel worth it God chose me. He values us even when we don't see our value. There is someone out there who loves us even when we feel unlovable, or  feel like we don't fit in.

He gets us.

He understands what makes us tick.

And he made a choice. ~Us~

Hope you have a good week. *Big hug to those who need it!*

Wednesday, February 26, 2014

So, it's been a week since I've been published (check it out, Ghost No More), and I am feeling a little better. I was freaking out after the book came out, completely caught by the feelings of "Don't talk about the abuse." I wanted to run and hide.

I can't say I am all the way to feeling comfortable yet. Definitely a weird place to be in, but my hope is that by telling, other people will feel validated where they are, and can get healing too.

I had a dream last night about one of the houses I lived in as a child. Everything was how I remembered it as a child, but I was an adult now, walking down the street and looking in. I wasn't afraid anymore. When I woke up I felt relief.

If anyone reading this has bought it, thank you for supporting me. Thanks for reading my blog. It means a lot to me!

((((((((((big hug for those who need it))))))))))))))))) Have a good day. Hang in there. If you have to, just take it one minute at a time. Things do change.

Monday, February 24, 2014

Wow, it's been a crazy week! As things calm down for me I am enjoying hearing the feedback. One reader told me about some of their family problems. I was reminded that family estrangement isn't always between parent and child, but sometimes between siblings.

And it hurts.

I wish I knew how to help with that. In my own experiences I've learned that the estrangement/problem isn't a choice of mine. The situation is a result of their choice. And there is nothing I can do to fix it. We are held, in some ways, at the mercy of their choices, but we are the ones grieving the loss.

It may never feel "okay," inside of us, even as we have to move on. It's important to acknowledge our feelings, and our loss. And to make sure we aren't feeling guilty.

It's important to let them take ownership of their own choices.

There is beauty that can come from these ashes. It might not be a lot, but it will show itself at some point.

(((((((((((big hug to those who need it)))))))))))))))))))))

Wednesday, February 19, 2014

Today I am so thankful. There are times when you can see that you got where you are because of the support and kindness of others. Today is one of those days for me.

I don't have a magic wand to make someone else feel better the way that I wish I could- but please accept my support through this blog if you need it. :)

I don't know how to make it be a permanent feature, but December 30th's post is kind of my mission statement for this blog. When it comes to computers, I feel like I have two left thumbs. (Is that a saying? If not, I just made it up)

Have a good day. :)

Monday, February 17, 2014

Today I wanted to share with you some encouraging quotes-

“Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow, it empties today of its strength.” Corrie Ten Boom

"The ideals which have lighted my way, and time after time have given me new courage to face life cheerfully, have been Kindness, Beauty, and Truth." Albert Einstein

“We meet no ordinary people in our lives.”   C.S. Lewis

“You've gotta dance like there's nobody watching,
Love like you'll never be hurt,
Sing like there's nobody listening,
And live like it's heaven on earth.”   William W. Purkey

"When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on. " Franklin D. Roosevelt
"I have heard there are troubles of more than one kind.
Some come from ahead and some come from behind.
But I've bought a big bat. I'm all ready you see.
Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me!" Dr. Seuss

“Friendship is born at that moment when one man says to another: "What! You too? I thought that no one but myself . . ."”   C.S. Lewis

“Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.”   Oscar Wilde
“Not all of us can do great things. But we can do small things with great love.” Mother Teresa
“Life is an opportunity, benefit from it.
Life is beauty, admire it.
Life is a dream, realize it.
Life is a challenge, meet it.
Life is a duty, complete it.
Life is a game, play it.
Life is a promise, fulfill it.
Life is sorrow, overcome it.
Life is a song, sing it.
Life is a struggle, accept it.
Life is a tragedy, confront it.
Life is an adventure, dare it.
Life is luck, make it.
Life is too precious, do not destroy it.
Life is life, fight for it.”   Mother Teresa
“Not all those who wander are lost;" J.R.R. Tolkien
“Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.”   Bernaud M. Baruch
 “… fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” God; Isaiah 41:10

Hope you all have a great week!! *big hug to those who need one*
Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow. It empties today of its strength.
Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow. It empties today of its strength.

Saturday, February 15, 2014

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."

This quote that Jesus said was what drew me the most.  There is a lot of politics with Christianity- a lot of rules that people say we have to follow.  As a girl, I was trained to follow rules, so that was nothing new. But these words were new.  I knew I was burdened, I knew I was weary, and I also knew I didn't know how to make it better.

I needed rest.

Sometimes people say, "Go to God just as you are." But they make it sound like, prepare for the work.

What I have found is that I didn't know what love was. I only experienced parental love, so it was natural to put my experiences on another parental figure. They weren't good expectations.

He didn't say anything in that sentence about change. What he says there is that he understands the heart of us. He knows what makes us act and react the way we are. He looks at us and he sees a million hurts, a million misunderstandings we've endured. He sees how we've tried to be a good person, how we were rejected, or where we felt we succeeded. He sees the areas we feel like failures.

He knows we are tired.

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."

I couldn't offer anything. I was too tired to think about trying to be good, and the failing again. But somehow coming to him was enough.  I came with doubts, anger, frustration, broken heart, disillusionment, fear..... my burdens.

It was okay. He wasn't ever mad at me. And, in time I saw that he didn't love me despite my failings. He loves me because I'm me.

(((((((((((((((big hugs to those who need it )))))))))))))))))))))))