Monday, November 2, 2015

Hard night tonight

So today I've come to vent. Do you ever feel like you need to vent, and don't know where to turn to? That's sort of where I'm at tonight.

I'm not a young woman. I'm in my 40's, and you'd think I'd have my stuff together. I've been able to raise (and raising) a beautiful family. I have amazing kids, awesome husband. I've seen what a healthy family looks like.

Ye, there's a part of me that's grieving. For some reason this part never really reared it's head while my kids were young.  It's just been recently.

A weird loneliness and sadness over a lack of parents.

There are people my age who've lost their parents. My own dad passed a few years back.

But this is different. It's almost a grief about being cheated. I'm not trying to speak negatively about my parents, but I didn't have any, by their choice. I had pain, abuse, and rejection. I had a mom who sent me to foster care when I didn't do my chores right.

And for years I had to process and work through that pain and abuse. I've done pretty well, but what's left is this horrible grief.

I have friends who post about their parents on Facebook, and it's been like a kick in the teeth recently. I'm happy for them, makes me so thankful for the relationship they have with their parents. But I also see how they, also in their 40's, have had this long supportive accepting relationship with their parents.

I suddenly notice the real loss.

I miss having parents. Miss people and relationships that never existed for me.

Why am I sharing this? Because I need to tell someone. This kind of grief is a kind that no one ever really talks about. Abandonment is not like a death. It's a loss that I just have to keep inside. I know I will get passed this. I know God has a plan. But in the mean time, if there is anyone who can relate to me, just know I get it.  It's a weird painful grief.