So today I've come to vent. Do you ever feel like you need to vent, and don't know where to turn to? That's sort of where I'm at tonight.
I'm not a young woman. I'm in my 40's, and you'd think I'd have my stuff together. I've been able to raise (and raising) a beautiful family. I have amazing kids, awesome husband. I've seen what a healthy family looks like.
Ye, there's a part of me that's grieving. For some reason this part never really reared it's head while my kids were young. It's just been recently.
A weird loneliness and sadness over a lack of parents.
There are people my age who've lost their parents. My own dad passed a few years back.
But this is different. It's almost a grief about being cheated. I'm not trying to speak negatively about my parents, but I didn't have any, by their choice. I had pain, abuse, and rejection. I had a mom who sent me to foster care when I didn't do my chores right.
And for years I had to process and work through that pain and abuse. I've done pretty well, but what's left is this horrible grief.
I have friends who post about their parents on Facebook, and it's been like a kick in the teeth recently. I'm happy for them, makes me so thankful for the relationship they have with their parents. But I also see how they, also in their 40's, have had this long supportive accepting relationship with their parents.
I suddenly notice the real loss.
I miss having parents. Miss people and relationships that never existed for me.
Why am I sharing this? Because I need to tell someone. This kind of grief is a kind that no one ever really talks about. Abandonment is not like a death. It's a loss that I just have to keep inside. I know I will get passed this. I know God has a plan. But in the mean time, if there is anyone who can relate to me, just know I get it. It's a weird painful grief.