New Blog-Talk Radio Interview! :)

A new day-a new chance. Trying to live each day as authentically as I can. Life brings us through so many phases. I used to feel like I wore multiple hats--Mom hat, wife hat, friend hat-- all of these were who I was, but I slid in an out of different characteristics of them depending on who I was with. When I had four screaming kids around me, Mom hat was firmly in place. So much so, that when I'd get together with my friends and all our kids, I struggled because I still wore Mom hat.  I so loved my time out with my friends without kids. That's when I really recharged. Can anyone relate to that?

And as the kids grow, I see another hat returning. One that is more "me," less about a job. Sort of like an old friend.  I'm delving into new areas with conviction. What do I really believe? What really interests me? What are my fears, and are they really founded?

One thing that is consistently important to me is God, my family, and wanting to reach other people who are needing some encouragement. I love reminding people that they are amazing, valuable, talented, and way stronger then they realize.

So it's kind of cool in this season of life to get an opportunity to do that. I was on another blog radio talk show- the Parker J Cole show- .

In other news, I published the sequel in my fiction series, Out of the Wreckage. This series has been awesome for me to write.... I finally get to explore other people resolving painful pasts and moving forward.

Just another rambling post- my diary on line I suppose. :)  Have a great day. ((((((big hug to anyone who needs one)))))))

Hard night tonight

So today I've come to vent. Do you ever feel like you need to vent, and don't know where to turn to? That's sort of where I'm at tonight.

I'm not a young woman. I'm in my 40's, and you'd think I'd have my stuff together. I've been able to raise (and raising) a beautiful family. I have amazing kids, awesome husband. I've seen what a healthy family looks like.

Ye, there's a part of me that's grieving. For some reason this part never really reared it's head while my kids were young.  It's just been recently.

A weird loneliness and sadness over a lack of parents.

There are people my age who've lost their parents. My own dad passed a few years back.

But this is different. It's almost a grief about being cheated. I'm not trying to speak negatively about my parents, but I didn't have any, by their choice. I had pain, abuse, and rejection. I had a mom who sent me to foster care when I didn't do my chores right.

And for years I had to process and work through that pain and abuse. I've done pretty well, but what's left is this horrible grief.

I have friends who post about their parents on Facebook, and it's been like a kick in the teeth recently. I'm happy for them, makes me so thankful for the relationship they have with their parents. But I also see how they, also in their 40's, have had this long supportive accepting relationship with their parents.

I suddenly notice the real loss.

I miss having parents. Miss people and relationships that never existed for me.

Why am I sharing this? Because I need to tell someone. This kind of grief is a kind that no one ever really talks about. Abandonment is not like a death. It's a loss that I just have to keep inside. I know I will get passed this. I know God has a plan. But in the mean time, if there is anyone who can relate to me, just know I get it.  It's a weird painful grief.

Good things with NAASCA.org

Wow... what a whirl wind these last couple of days have been.  The pinnacle was the opportunity to share my story on NAASCA.org blog radio. I'm including the link, but the show should come with a warning, "Dork ahead lol."  Well, I was trying to be myself... and after the first few nervous minutes it became quite comfortable. NAASCA.org is doing ton's of great things to help adult survivors of child abuse. I encourage everyone to check out their site. 

Here's the radio show. http://www.blogtalkradio.com/bill-murray/2015/09/17/stop-child-abuse-now-scan--1183

I hope something good comes from me sharing. I hope it will encourage someone else that their story matters.

~CeeCee

Goals and realistic expectations

Wow. Summer is almost over.  It’s crazy how fast time flies by.  This summer I finished the writing and editing process of my first fiction book, Wrecked and Yours.  I love the story about overcoming strife is one that resonates with me. This book is about three homeless kids and how they navigate life. As adults they reconnect, and it’s messy, like life often is. It’s their season to make a choice: look at life honestly and deal with it, or continue to run away.  I absolutely loved writing it.

Here’s the book’s page if you’d like to check it out. http://www.amazon.com/Wrecked-Yours-CeeCee-James-ebook/dp/B013TAV50G/ref=asap_bc?ie=UTF8

As summer winds down I’m thinking about the new school year. It’s caught me off guard this year, so I feel like I’m scrambling a bit. 

Our family is a homeschooling family. Before I share anything else, I just want to say that homeschooling isn’t for everyone.  We all do the best we can and make the best decisions we can for our kids. I support whatever schooling choices parents make for their family.

But, like I said, we felt led to homeschool.  As I add up the years, I realized I’ve homeschooled for 20 years. That’s a long time.  I’m feeling it, let me tell you. 

I remember how each year started. Summer was for scraping out the deals and plotting that years curriculum. We’d start at the first week of September. Everything was bright, shiny. We were on a role!

Hello, first roadblock. It didn’t matter what it was. It could be trying to wrangle soccer practice into the schedule, or  a child forgetting the entire “eight” section in the multiplication table, or another child forgetting what “sit down and read” meant. 

Or it could be something more disruptive. But, inevitable, something was thrown into our day that messed up the entire timetable. And once that was messed up, it was a struggle to get everything back on track again.

And then the guilt came.

So here I am, faced with a new year, and I know the pattern ahead of me. I’d like to do this year without the guilt. I’d like to do it in faith that this will work out, God has a plan. He’s gotten me this far and helped me when I was at my wits end. He’s not going to leave me to flounder now. Because I’ve also seen the pattern of the finished school year: my kids completed the courses set before them (not without a few hair raising days, for sure), and the ones that have graduated have gone on to have successful happy lives. 

And they all learned their “eight” multiplication table.

I wonder what it would have been like if I had been a bit kinder to myself through the years, and given myself more grace.  Structure was something I needed for my teaching style, but I wish I could have hung on a bit tighter to the ultimate goal when life shook my schedule more than I liked. 

So, as September approaches, I just want to encourage anyone reading this to remember to be kind to yourself as you set your own goals for the new season. And that doesn't pertain specifically to homeschooling, but to anything you are planning. Sometimes there’s a few kinks that twist up our expectations. Just hang in there, because one way or another, it does work out. 

*hug to anyone who needs one today*

~CeeCee

Father's Day without a Father

Father's Day is almost upon us.  The thankful Facebook posts depicting pictures of laughing fathers and kids are showering down my wall. The TV is filled with commercials informing me of what my Dad wants, what I should cook him, buy him, call him.

I try to tune it all out. I've done it for so long that sometimes I forget it could be a day for me to celebrate my own dad.

Some of us are missing fathers because of their death. Some of us have living fathers that we have no contact with.  I have both.  I had a father, who for his own choices, addictions, and pain, chose not to have contact with me until his death. I have a step-father who has chosen the same thing.

Two men, key men in my life, chose to treat me this way.  It seems like it would be incredible odds to be rejected twice. But then I remember the common thread, my mom married them both. Sometimes the cycle truly is not broken but simply plays out in a different way.

If I'm honest, I do feel a loss at Father's Day. Even the Facebook posts that talk about missing their father who have died can choke me up, because I don't have the same happy memories or experiences.

But, life is about choices. I didn't choose for my fathers to have this type of relationship with me. I would have loved nothing more than to give them a big hug, cook them their favorite dinner, and even buy them a tie. :)  Instead, I love them enough to have let them make their own choices, and to forgive (even if I don't understand, can't understand) why they were incapable of being true fathers.

My choice is to be thankful for the good fathers that I do have in my life. Number one being my husband. His love for our kids has taught me so much of what a father looks like, and I am blessed for my kids. He is amazing (I love you honey xo.)

I'm thankful for the fathers of my friend's kids. So many great role models, who've coached sports teams, worked hard, and still come home to take care of their families.

I'm thankful for the fathers who say their sorry when they do make a mistake. No one is perfect. Who take the time to say, "I love you. I'm proud of you."

I'm thankful for the moment when I realized that I did have a Father, God, who wanted me even when my earthly parents didn't, or couldn't. And it comforts me to realize that he wants my parents the same way.  Maybe because that's the only way I can see the cycle being broken in their life, and true happiness restored.

If Father's Day is a difficult day for you, no matter the reason, I just wanted to send out a hug. You aren't alone.  It's a weird day for a lot of people.  I hope this day brings new revelation and peace, if you need it.

Debit Machine

If the only words of affirmation you’ve heard today came from a debit machine “You are approved,”  then you've come to the right place.

I love reminding people of how awesome they are.   This might be hard for some of you to read. I get that. There was a time in my life where I was at a women’s retreat, and the speaker wanted everyone to sing, “Jesus loves me.” I. Could. Not. Do. It.  Even worse, I felt like an idiot sitting there in stony silence, struggling to hold in the shame and guilt while everyone else around me laughed at the silliness of singing a child’s song. The song undid me. I couldn’t even leave for the bathroom to pull myself together out of fear I’d catch someone’s eye on the way out and breaking down.

Over time  I became better equipped and was able to deflect the compliments with a laugh. It was still a protection.  But a protection against what?

Strangely, the good things that have been so hard for me to receive are so easy for me to see in other people. Are you the same way?  I'm working on being able to hear positive things about myself.  There are many things outside of us that comes against our value, and I think it's important we don't do it to ourselves as well. 

Why is it important to grasp it about ourselves? There is an old saying, "Treat others as you want to be treated." or again, "Love others as you love yourself."  I believe the way we see others is strongly influenced by the way we view ourselves. 

Is it easy for you to hear positive things about yourself?  Well, let's test it. :) Here's some positive things I feel about my readers, about You. And I mean them from the bottom of my heart.  So here it goes;

In case you haven’t heard it lately, You are really cool.  You’ve got talents that you don’t even realize you have. All the hopes of where you thought you’d be, and what you wanted to achieve is still possible, even if you don’t see a way at this time.  You've a lot to accomplish yet.

There is no one like you, and you are a vital piece of the puzzle.  The best example that is coming to me is colors.  There are millions of colors, each so important, each one adding to life. If you take one away, it will be missed, even if the color was subtle. That's how you are.

You are beautiful, amazing, deep, thoughtful, hilarious, brave, creative, and smart. You are stronger than you think.

Don’t measure your value on your success, or your perceived failures, or the mistakes you have made, or what someone has told you.  Don't measure your value based on the people around you. You are a fiery piece of humanity, and in my belief, made in God’s image.

I'm glad you're here, reading my blog. I'm honored!  I hope you have a great day.  :)


 

quick thought

Just a quick thought today;

One thing I’ve learned is that a person who’s suffered looks like everyone else. No matter how you feel, the word “broken” is not emblazoned on your forehead.  You aren’t weak, even if you feel it at times. Your story is important.  I respect you. Everyone has gone through something.

More importantly, it does get better.

(((((((((big hug to anyone who needs one)))))))))))))))))))))

More tomorrow!

Stopping Negative Self-Talk

Negative self-talk is a destructive habit I'm trying to break. Today on facebook, good ol' facebook, I read two posts on negative self-talk. One was the video where the women have to enter through either a door that says "Average," or "Beautiful."  If it makes you cringe to think of entering through the door marked, "Beautiful," you might be a victim of negative self-talk.

It's not the same as being humble. It's a constant dribble of background noise that says you don't measure up, you could have done it better. A constant examining, questioning, and judging yourself.

It's the complete opposite of conviction, instead has it's roots in condemnation. It brings fear, discouragement, unworthiness, and even shame.

The scary thing is that it's possible we don't realize how often we do this to ourselves. This type of talk is often quiet, running along in the back ground while we get ready for work, clean the house, talk with our friends, parent our children, and other daily activities. It's what compares us to others and proves how we have fallen short.

It rarely accomplishes anything to argue with negative self-talk, in fact it might encourage it more ie: "Why am I still battling this? How come I can't get over this? It's true anyway."

I have heard it said many times, "Fake it until you make it." I think one way to break this habit is to tell yourself the opposite, even if it doesn't feel true.

The way I personally battle it is with a thankful prayer. Sometimes I can't even say the opposite, but I can say, "You know God, I'm going to use this negative thought to remind me to pray for (whoever might be struggling at the time.) Just bless them God and let them know how special they are. Thank you for (making this incredible day, or whatever is around me at the moment I feel thankful for.) Thank you that I am changing every day. "  For some reason, praying for someone else really helps me to get out of my own head and negative feelings.

That might not work for everyone. I read that it can be helpful to write down every time you think negatively about yourself, just to bring an awareness to the habit. It might help others to use that moment to say, "I am good enough, even on my bad days."

If you ever battle with negative self-talk, you aren't alone. There isn't anything wrong with you. You are awesome and amazing and here for a purpose. It might take time to break that habit, but even in this bad habit, one day,  we have hope of seeing beauty for ashes.

Fear No More is published

Hi Everybody! After some grueling weeks, Fear No More is published! This book is near and dear to my heart because of all the brave quotes I was given from friends, and readers. I can't say enough about them.  And with that, the Ghost No More series is finished.

Wow.... I'm wondering what I'll write next! 

Thank you for all your support and encouragement. I love reading the notes, emails, and facebook messages.  They mean a lot to me!


~CeeCee James

http://www.amazon.com/Fear-No-More-Ghost-ebook/dp/B00VN8UNWS/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1428560628&sr=8-3&keywords=ghost+no+more

Hi Everyone! Don't give up on me. I'm in editing with my new book and have been super busy trying to get it done. I'm really excited about it and hope you all will like it!

Quick Post

I'm so sorry that I haven't posted for a while. I'm working on book 3, eeep! It's exciting and challenging, and I can barely multi-task making dinner and keeping up with the house in the meantime. Thank you all for your support! It means a lot!

Unexpected Pain

Have you ever felt like your emotions betrayed you?  That happened to me tonight. I was in a chat room with some other authors, happily chatting about the Golden Globes, when the emotional gates unleashed. What was the trigger? Taxes, the word taxes.

It triggered a load of grief about my Dad's death, a load I didn't even know was there.

In about 30 seconds flat I went from a smile to my face to tears puddling, mascara smeared, 'quick grab a tissue' mess. My husband came around the corner and stopped short at the sight. "What in the world happened?" he asked.

I had a lump in my throat and I couldn't even answer. I just shook my head, accepted his hug, and went back to furiously typing to the anonymous people at the other end of the keyboard.  I was half ashamed, half relieved to be sharing the emotions. The relief came as they all began to share their experiences with pain. I wasn't alone.

Feeling alone is one of the worst feelings. It's a relief to know that other people understand and care. I don't know if my emotions let lose because I felt there was a safety in sharing with people I really don't know, or if it was just that I had the pain stopped up for so long it was ready to burst.

If anyone who is reading this feels alone right now, for one reason or another, I want you to know I care. I really do.  You can message me, and I'll listen. You aren't alone. People can relate to your pain. Whether it's old pain, deep pain, or a recent pain from a fight with a spouse or friend, people can relate.  I promise that no matter what is going on in your life, someone out there can relate. You aren't alone.

And if you are feeling like it's too private or no one will understand, I promise there is one who does. God gets you, he understands what makes you tick, and why you think and feel the way you do. You don't have to explain it all to him. You can just go and tell him you don't know how to fix the pain. He might send you to a group of anonymous people like he did me, just to remind me that we aren't so different from one another after all.

(((((((((((((((big hug for anyone who might need one))))))))))))))))))))

Grab those negative thoughts

I love it when God talks to me. I've been struggling with some doldrums for a while, and slowly he's been pulling me out. Yesterday he pointed out some habits I have about the way I think about myself. It's amazing how sneaky critical thinking speaks to me. But I'm so used to it I never question the negative thoughts.  I'm going to try and give examples, because I don't have it all the way figured out yet.

In an attempt to get myself out of the doldrums I've decided to exercise. Anyone who knows me knows I Hate to exercise.  I'd hardly finished the section on the exercise DVD when I started to criticize myself.... "That wasn't so hard. Why don't you do it more often?" It doesn't sound like much, but that thought alone immediately made me feel like I'd failed.

God highlighted that thought process for me, with another thought, "You don't have to accept this. You didn't do anything wrong. You can be pleased with what you did." Okay, he didn't say it to me in that many words, it was more of a lighting fast impression. But in that second, He got to the root of the problem quicker than I could figure out, and gave me a tool to deal with it.

So today I've been trying to be more cognizant of the thoughts I think after I accomplish something. Usually the thought admonishes me. I tell it, "No, I did fine." I know this must sound silly, it kind of does to me just typing it out. But, by writing it on this blog I'm reminding myself to keep fighting the fight against condemnation.

Here ends today's post. Remember, God made you YOU for a reason. You are good enough, even on your bad days. (((((((((Big hug in case you need one today :) ))))))))))))))))))))