So I am at the tale end of writing my memoir, and I lost it the other night, completely taking my husband off guard. It took me a while to figure out what the problem was..... and it was that I was "telling." WOW, that fear went deep. Here I am living this life where I have been restored and healed of so much, but I didn't realize I was still carrying that inside of me.
Don't tell- that fear controlled my life as a child. You just don't tell. Somehow keeping the secret was also attached to loyalty. I loved my mom, I wouldn't tell on her.
Maybe the loyalty feeling was the way I spun "don't tell" into something positive. Because, as I sit here and think of myself as a little girl and "telling," my heart beat speeds up. The real fear and power behind "don't tell" was that it would make things so much worse.
so much worse.
So here I am, fully an adult, and facing this for the first time. Not loving it. But God got me this far, he will get me through this too somehow.
(((((((((((big hug to those who need it)))))))))))))))