My Book- Ghost No More- Thank you so much!

Hi everyone. *sets out a plate of fresh-baked chocolate chip cookies*  :) I know it's been a while! This last month has felt a bit like treading water for me. Lots of good and some confusion.

Writing my hubby's book really helped me put some distance between me and my past that I didn't realize I needed.  After having to pull all of those memories out of me I guess I was kind of stuck with them.  But even that was good, because some how writing them out diffused the pain.

I wrote the book to help other people, but now I can see how much it's helped me. If you've ever thought about writing out your past, I encourage you to do it, if this is the right time and season. :)  There's no rush, if this isn't the right season.

I remember being scared to write Ghost No More out because I felt like I wasn't being forgiving. But finally I realized, it's just the truth, as best as I can tell it, not a blame game.

I was scared to face the trauma, from one end to the other. It was so difficult to write out. Of course, I'd shared bits and pieces with my friends through the years, but not all at once, not like this. Even when I shared with my friends, somehow I distanced myself from it, almost as if I were talking about someone else.

I was scared to feel the memories.

I was also scared to have it on my computer, in case my kids should for some reason stumble upon it.

My last fear stemmed from: "Don't tell anyone the family secret." I am a grown woman, and I had No idea how deeply rooted that rule was inside of me until the week before I published.  Huge shame and fear hit me. 
Most authors are happy when they publish.

I cried.

But now, blessed freedom!

So now I am wondering what I should do next. Just sort of spinning my wheels, thinking, and praying. Oh, and quilting. LOL I am sewing a quilt that I have thus far feel like I've sewn twice because of all the seams I've had to rip out.

Just want to say thank you for reading this journal, and sharing with me this part of my journey. I hope all is good in your world, and you are continuing to see beauty from your ashes.

((((((((((((((((big hugs to anyone who needs one)))))))))))))))))
~CeeCee

Today I wanted to share with you some encouraging quotes-

“Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow, it empties today of its strength.” Corrie Ten Boom

"The ideals which have lighted my way, and time after time have given me new courage to face life cheerfully, have been Kindness, Beauty, and Truth." Albert Einstein

“We meet no ordinary people in our lives.”   C.S. Lewis

“You've gotta dance like there's nobody watching,
Love like you'll never be hurt,
Sing like there's nobody listening,
And live like it's heaven on earth.”   William W. Purkey

"When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on. " Franklin D. Roosevelt

 

 

"I have heard there are troubles of more than one kind.
Some come from ahead and some come from behind.
But I've bought a big bat. I'm all ready you see.
Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me!" Dr. Seuss

“Friendship is born at that moment when one man says to another: "What! You too? I thought that no one but myself . . ."”   C.S. Lewis

“Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.”   Oscar Wilde

 

“Not all of us can do great things. But we can do small things with great love.” Mother Teresa

 

“Life is an opportunity, benefit from it.
Life is beauty, admire it.
Life is a dream, realize it.
Life is a challenge, meet it.
Life is a duty, complete it.
Life is a game, play it.
Life is a promise, fulfill it.
Life is sorrow, overcome it.
Life is a song, sing it.
Life is a struggle, accept it.
Life is a tragedy, confront it.
Life is an adventure, dare it.
Life is luck, make it.
Life is too precious, do not destroy it.
Life is life, fight for it.”   Mother Teresa

 

“Not all those who wander are lost;" J.R.R. Tolkien

 

“Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.”   Bernaud M. Baruch

 

 “… fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” God; Isaiah 41:10

Hope you all have a great week!! *big hug to those who need one*

Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow. It empties today of its strength.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/c/corrietenb135203.html#hrSv58FiH2Y2Ad77.99

Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow. It empties today of its strength.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/c/corrietenb135203.html#hrSv58FiH2Y2Ad77.99

Football today- AHHHHH!  Anyone else out there watching? If you go outside I feel like you might hear me cheer because I FREAK out!  I can't watch it with anyone who doesn't know me well, because I might embarrass myself. And have witnesses lol

Have a good day today. :)

Well, I’m still writing like crazy. People tell me it’s cathartic to write out the painful experiences. Sometimes it is. Sometimes I feel so disconnected to the past abuse that it’s hard to believe it happened to me. Other times I can barely get the words out, and the story sounds stilted and proper. I can always tell what memories hurt the most. Usually they are the shortest on paper, written with broad strokes with hardly any detail.

The lovely thing about writing them down, the truly cathartic part, is seeing the puzzle pieces come together.  For so long I wondered, is it just me? Was I wrong? Maybe my parents were just having a hard time. Was I who they said I was?

I’ve heard abuse stories in the media, truly horrific stories that grabbed me by my heart and I couldn’t stand to hear more. In some ways it confused me and made me think of my own past with thoughts like, “It wasn’t that bad.”

Seeing my story written down validates me that, yes, it was that bad.  I’m finally giving myself permission to feel the emotions I had as a little girl that I wasn’t allowed to have then. I don’t want to live there, in those emotions. But it was so good for me to acknowledge the pain I went through alone. The pain I had to hide from everyone. The pain I was taught by my parents to accept as due punishment.

I can see how when I finally acknowledged it, the feeling of “No one understands,” started to dissipate. I wasn’t searching for someone to validate the abuse anymore.

I don’t know if you are searching for that yourself.  I’m here to tell you that pain isn’t measure by the events. If you felt neglected, unloved, or hurt, those feelings are valid. I can’t fix it for you because we all have our own journey from ashes to beauty. But I care. 

Just think of all you have accomplished still with a little bit of ashes in your life!  *Sappy Alert* You really are amazing!

Good morning- the weekend is here (Yaaaaaaaaay!!) Do you have any special plans?  The word is "FOOTBALL!" around here. It's going to be fun.

So this morning I opened my bible and came across this verse;

I have chosen you
and have not turned against you.
So don't worry, because I am with you.
Don't be afraid, because I am your God.
I will make you strong
and will help you;
I will support you with my right hand that saves you.

Isaiah 41:9-10

I couldn't get it out of my mind and thought I'd share it. Maybe it's here for someone who needs to read it today.

Have a good weekend.  Thanks for stopping by!
(((((((((big hug to anyone who needs it)))))))))))







 

So the question for today is- How old were you when you first realized that what was happening to you, or had happened to you was not okay? I’ve talked with people all over the spectrum. Some people knew as children that their parents had an anger/ emotional/ control problem.  It was part of their world in a way that they knew they had to protect themselves from it.

It wasn’t like that for me. I spent my childhood believing I was what was broken in the family.  I never connected the bruises to being my parent’s issues. I always felt like I deserved it, even when I wasn’t sure what I had done wrong.

It wasn’t until my baby shower with my first child that I even had a glimmer that it wasn’t me. My pastor’s wife came to my shower. She drove me home, and listened while I described my mom in glowing terms.  She looked at me for a second before saying quietly, “That’s not the person I met today.”

I was stunned at the time, and torn with a weird anger to protect my mom.  It took a long time for me to come to the truth. It still hurts actually, to realize you can’t make yourself loveable to someone no matter how you try.  

If, today, you have a hollow inside from not having your parents approval and love I just want to send you a hug. Maybe you feel like you should know better, because they’ve always treated you that way.  Remember that as kids, we are made to crave our parent’s love and approval.

Remember that the falling apart of the relationship is a consequence of their choice, not yours.

The beauty from the ashes is that as we get better, we are able to encourage other people in the same situation.  I think that’s what really moves us from a survivor to living a life full of joy.

Thank you for reading!!! It means a lot to me J

Hey how is your week going? Well you are up and 'at em, so that's good.

Taking care of yourself is more than eating right, and exercising. I think the most important way is being kind to yourself.  Do you say more positive or negative things about yourself every day? Do you have a thought in the back of your mind that you aren't measuring up? Or you aren't really giving your best?

Can I suggest you give that thought a break? In fact, I want to make a deal with you that you won't talk down, or be critical with yourself today. It really is a bad habit I think we all struggle with.

You are amazing, and I'm not just saying that. :)

Have a good day-

As adults, sometimes we know what was going on with our parents. We know they are/were addicted to a substance, or they have Manic Depression, or some other type of disorder.  Or we know they suffered at the hands of their parents and are broken. Sometimes we don’t know exactly what’s wrong. We just see there is something in them that always kept their reaction to us unpredictable, no matter how hard we tried to keep out of sight, or do the right thing.

As kids, we became experts at interpreting the sound of their walk, the tone in their voice, or even the slam of the door to determine what their mood was.  Some may even argue that we were programed to do that, so that we would adjust our actions accordingly to please them.

Maybe our parents didn’t know they were training us with that type of manipulation.

I think part of my healing as an adult was taking a moment to see if I was still reacting to them in the way I did as a child. When they called, was I reading their moods over the phone and adjusting accordingly? Was I afraid to make them mad and suffer the following temper-tantrum?

There is a great book by Dr. Henry Cloud & John Townsend called Boundaries. That book slowly helped me break the cycle, and do it in a way that made me feel as though I was respecting both them and myself.

Although my parents didn’t see it that way, when I started to change my reaction to them. It’s to be expected that when you put boundaries down there is going to be blowback, and it might look ugly for a little while. I want to remind anyone out there who needs to put down boundaries - keep strong! Their reaction is not your responsibility.  Putting down boundaries is actually an act of love, both for yourself and for them.

The authors have written several books on the subject of boundaries; boundaries with kids, and in marriage.  There is wisdom in those books that really helped my family when we found ourselves stuck in some bad habits.

((((((((Big hug to all who need one today)))))))))))) You are meant for good things. Getting healthier is just one more moment of culling beauty from the ashes.

 

 

 

There is a scripture that talks about how God chose the despised and lowly things in this life, the things not wanted. That’s definitely what happened to me. He gave me value where I had been brainwashed to believe I had no value. He showed me love when I was convinced I didn’t deserve it. He found me, even though I wasn’t even looking for him at the time.

He loves you the same way.  You are his joy.  He’s not angry with you, and you haven’t failed. Even when we know God loves us, sometimes it’s still hard to believe he thinks good things about us because we know ourselves so well.

You are loved, and you rock! Have an amazing day.

 Hi ya! Is it a football weekend where you're at? I love football, but I'm not sure if it's the game or the snacks or the cheering people I'm with that I like best lol.

They say that the football players really rely on their fans to motivate them. So today I'm going to be your fan! Even if it sounds cheesy (and I'm known for that) this is totally sincere. :)

I believe in you!!
You can do it!
You totally rock!
You are unique! And in a good way! lol
You make a difference. :)


Have a good day.  ((((((big hug to any who need it)))))

Good morning!

So today I read a status update by Bear Grylls --Good to remember for year ahead: Corrie ten Boom: ‘Worry does not empty tomorrow of sorrow; but it empties today of strength.’

Wow, those words are so true in my life. Worry really does take so much energy to maintain. The more I worry, the harder it is to do everything else, even to have normal conversations without feeling stressed and snippy.

It’s not easy, maybe even impossible to flip the worry switch off.

One thing that helps me is to thank God for two good things in my life. Just like worry, it’s amazing how contagious it is, once I start.  Just opening my eyes to that one good thing reminds me of more and more things to be thankful for.

beauty for ashes…

Today I want to remind you that you have an effect on the people around you. You may not see it, but people remember your smiles, and small comments.  The world is a better place because of you!

Wow, what a dark winter day it is! I feel for the people who are stuck in frozen conditions right now. BRRRR! Hope everyone stays warm and safe this week!

 

Every day feels like normal. Life goes on in crazy swirls and dives and sometimes sputters at a stand-still. I don’t think about my childhood for days on end. Then, there are times when something unexpectedly triggers a memory or emotion. It felt like I was standing alone holding the entire weight of the pain, and I didn’t know how to let go of it.  Life goes on….

Counseling helps, but somehow child pain went on beyond counseling for me.  The pain, fear, self-doubt, and rejection had the ability to tinge everyday situations. That was the worst part for me. Trying to talk myself down from fear, or feeling the stab of rejection and not lashing back from pain.

Growing healthy reminds me of eating a healthy diet;  the choice is for life and not a quick fix. I’m still learning to recognize old thoughts for what they are, and remind myself they aren’t true for me today. I pray a lot to grow in love, and to love more.

Life is good, still pulling the beauty from those ashes!