So the question for today is- How old were you when you first realized that what was happening to you, or had happened to you was not okay? I’ve talked with people all over the spectrum. Some people knew as children that their parents had an anger/ emotional/ control problem. It was part of their world in a way that they knew they had to protect themselves from it.
It wasn’t like that for me. I spent my childhood believing I was what was broken in the family. I never connected the bruises to being my parent’s issues. I always felt like I deserved it, even when I wasn’t sure what I had done wrong.
It wasn’t until my baby shower with my first child that I even had a glimmer that it wasn’t me. My pastor’s wife came to my shower. She drove me home, and listened while I described my mom in glowing terms. She looked at me for a second before saying quietly, “That’s not the person I met today.”
I was stunned at the time, and torn with a weird anger to protect my mom. It took a long time for me to come to the truth. It still hurts actually, to realize you can’t make yourself loveable to someone no matter how you try.
If, today, you have a hollow inside from not having your parents approval and love I just want to send you a hug. Maybe you feel like you should know better, because they’ve always treated you that way. Remember that as kids, we are made to crave our parent’s love and approval.
Remember that the falling apart of the relationship is a consequence of their choice, not yours.
The beauty from the ashes is that as we get better, we are able to encourage other people in the same situation. I think that’s what really moves us from a survivor to living a life full of joy.
Thank you for reading!!! It means a lot to me J