Forgiveness- If only it were a light switch to flip on. If only after it was given, every negative emotion was really erased.

Sometimes, it feels like I am giving them a free pass for what they did to me. It’s hard to be hurt so much and never have recourse.

Yet, through forgiveness was the only way I could find freedom.

I discovered that trick pretty early on. I was desperate to be free from the pain inside, so I tossed out forgiveness to my parents as fast as I could.

I forgive them, I forgive them, I forgive them

Except I really wasn’t.

It wasn’t that I wanted to hold a grudge, or be bitter. It was the fact that I didn’t want to really acknowledge what they did that I was forgiving. For me to acknowledging the pain that happened to the ‘little girl me’ hurt too much. Easier to sweep it under the rug.

Especially since I still saw my parents. Especially after my mom told me her only regret was that she didn’t hit me more.

Forgiveness…..

It’s not for them. It’s for you, and me.

There are steps to it, just like with grief, that I found I couldn’t skip.

Step one- find a way to get it out. The best way, find someone to talk with (a good counselor if you can afford it. Yes you are worth it.) If nothing else, write it out, as much as you are able too. When someone told me that I cringed.

(PS- you haven’t failed if you can’t do it yet)

You are loved. You are so worth love.  There will be beauty from these ashes, if you haven’t seen it yet. If you have, MORE is to come. J

 Forgiveness- what does it mean to you?