Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Just in case you haven’t heard it today, you are remarkable!

So child abuse recovery isn’t something I think about every day, but it’s what my blog is about. So I’ll talk about it a lot here. J 

There were two reoccurring feelings I’ve had as an adult that resulted from the abuse. 

The first was feeling very very alone in my experiences, as though no one could relate or understand me. Sometimes, I felt such deep pain, but there was so much back story in order to explain the emotions that it was too much work to tell anyone. Sometimes I didn’t understand the pain myself.

The second was doubt the abuse happened. I’ve always been reluctant to label what I went through as child abuse, because I didn’t want to think that about my family.  I never wanted to talk about it because it felt disloyal. I loved them. It was actually easier to think it was me than it was to think it was them. If it’s me, then I have some type of control over it. I can be good enough to make it stop. I can do it right so it won’t happen anymore.

That thought continued as an adult. I tolerated behavior and comments, thinking I was giving grace, when really I was being the same compliant child I had always been. I still walked on eggshells, trying not to rock the boat. I was still operating under the old rule, “To resist or say anything makes their actions (punishment) worse.”

I’m not saying my parents, or anyone’s parents are bad people.  Usually they are good people who are hurting people. But, just because they are good people, doesn’t mean we have to deny the hurt they caused.

The greatest thing in the world would be if they apologized.  As their kids, we don’t need them to grovel or beg for forgiveness. We just need that small recognition that they hurt us, and they wish they hadn’t. It’s amazing what a gift that acknowledgement really is.

This blog is dedicated to all the people out there who felt they didn’t have a voice growing up. It’s to support anyone who is hurting now. We may not get that acknowledgement. We may have to forgive without an apology, so that we can live free. And maybe this blog can support someone who is trying to do that now. ***big hugs for those who need them**** Until tomorrow then J

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